Days of Future Past Rick
by X-Xepher-X
Summary: In which drunk Rick brings his younger self into the future. And keeps him there. All Rick(y) Sanchez wanted to do was go to home sweet home all the way back in 1973. But his older asshole self won't let him, and he doesn't know why. How will Rick's young self fare on all of his crazy adventures?
1. How The Hell Did We Get Here?

There. He almost had it. Freedom tasted so close.

"Come on, come on, come on…" the teen mumbled hastily under his breath. His powdery blue hair fell straight into his wide, panicking eyes, yet he didn't bother to move the strands out of his face. He was about to solve his dilemma and give a big fat middle finger to the world. Or, you know, just to Rick. Preferably Rick.

He practically stabbed the screwdriver into every little screw, crevasse, and hole it would jam into. It was only a matter of minutes until Rick would burst in and drag him somewhere. He obviously drank a few bottles of something filled with alcohol from God knows where, considering he could hear his loud burps and batshit mumbles. But, he knew he could finish in time.

"Ooohhh crap!" He finally exclaimed in utter relief. With one last screw turn, the handheld device lit up like a Christmas tree. A smile of relief covered his unusually grey skin, as though he was the freaking happiness teen in the universe. As the taste of freedom set in, he slicked back his hair out of from eyes, and held onto that device as though it was made of gold. He jumped up from his chair, and proceeded to pull up his unusually sagging blue jeans. As he walked to the nearest blank wall, he tugged down his white tank top, so the first thing people wouldn't see when he arrived back home was his butt crack. He wasn't exactly Rick…

With a press of a button, he straighten out his arm and let the hand held device charge up like a battery', and glow in front of his eyes. Although he didn't quite show it, he was happy, excited. He was finally going back home.

Or, so he thought.

Once the makeshift portal gun shot off, it...burned a giant hole right through the bedroom wall.

"Aw shit..." The teen mumbled under his breath, causing his arms to go limp and drop the pathetic excuse for a portal gun straight to the ground.

"Ricky"

The unscathed door suddenly burst open, causing the painfully drunk scientist to stumble in, and collapse straight onto the green carpet. A splash of beer dripped right onto the clean carpet, before Rick finally stumbled back into his drunk, slippery feet. Even though he was stupidly drunk, the teen, Ricky, folded his hands right behind his back, and kicked the portal gun in the works right under his bed.

"Uh, hi, Rick, uh, you see that hole in the wall over there? Don't, uh, worry about it. Really, you-" Ricky attempted to defend, but was swiftly cut off once drunk Rick clamped onto his arm, and began to yank him out.

"You gotta come with me Ricky," Rick burped and swallowed more beer "Y-you - We gotta get Morty"

"Uh, Why?" Ricky asked as he practically smashed his face into the wall.

"We gotta go and get Morty, Ricky" Rick slurred as he proceeded to stumble out the door, failing to see the giant gaping hole next to him. Before Ricky was dragged right out of his room, he swept off a brown belt and a jean jacket from the beat up storage cabinet.

Even as he slipped on the rest of his clothes, Ricky was basically helpless as Rick slammed the door open and spread his hand over the wall to turn on the lights. Moments later, he felt face first into the carpet, slipping more of his beer on innocent, clean carpet.

"You gotta come on. Jus'-You gotta come with us" Rick muttered through his drunkenness as he crawled to Morty's bed.

The other young teen dragged down his covers and rubbed his eyes "What, Rick? What's going on?"

"I got a surprise for you, Morty" Rick ignored his question.

"It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about? What's he talking about Ricky?" Morty muttered as he raised his brow.

Ricky shrugged casually "Gee, I don't know Morty, maybe he wants to blow up earth" He sarcastically mumbled as he waved his hands - no, hand into the air "How should I know? He's, wasted beyond belief"

"Come on, I got a surprise for you," Rick slipped more beer on his covers, before he simply dropped his beer bottle. With that, he grabbed Morty's thing legs, and proceed to drag him out of his warm bed by his leg, like he was nothing more than a doll "Come on, hurry up"

"Ow! Ow!" Morty cried as his head slammed into everything imaginable in his bedroom "You're tugging me too hard!"

"We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty…" Rick continued to mumble, mutter and slur until they reached the garage. It was only then he shut his mouth, and shoved the two teens into what looked like a UFO. While Morty landed face first into the rather hard, pointy seat, Ricky casually slipped through, and crossed his arms in utter frustration. Seconds later, Rick shoved the key into the the weird UFO flying car things and took off into the clear, star night sky.

"What do you think of this...flying vehicle, Morty?" Rick slurred "I built it outta stuff I found in the garage"

"Yeah, Rick…" Morty nervously mumbled "I-It's great. Is this the surprise?"

"Morty. I had to... I had to do it. I had- I had to- I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb"

Ricky snapped his eyes open in shock "A _what_?!"

"What?! A bomb?!" Morty followed in shock. He immediately snapped his head to Ricky, who violently shook his head in utter confusion.

"I wasn't serious, I was being a dick!" Ricky defended "I didn't think Rick would resort to blowing earth to bits!"

"We're gonna drop it down there just get a whole fresh start, Morty," Rick waved his hand through the air, before he magically picked up another beer bottle from the floor "Create a whole fresh start"

"T-t-that's absolutely crazy!" Morty exclaimed. He couldn't help but scoot a bit farther away from the stupidly drunk Rick.

"Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good" Rick attempted to lazily comfort, with utter fail "Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica"

Ricky collapsed to the back seat and crossed his arms once more, as though the news of a bomb failed to even faze him "Who's Jessica, Morty?" He smirked mischievously "That chick from your math class?"

"Uh...well...N-not exactly…" Morty trailed off.

"She does have a fine ass, kid, a really fine ass…" Ricky trailed off, before he gave a congratulatory pat on Morty's shoulder "You did good. You're making your old man proud"

"What? Huh?"

Before Ricky could give an explanation, Rick leaned towards Morty and wrapped his long tentacle of an arm around his neck. Marty grimaced slightly as the smell of alcohol and beer immediately filled his nose.

"When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know?" Rick explained through his drunkenness "I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam"

"Ohhh…." Morty reluctantly trailed off

"And Jessica's gonna be Eve"

"Whhhh-wha?" Morty blinked in utter shock.

"And so that's the surprise, Morty" Rick replied in an excited tone as he swished his beer bottle across his dash.

"Then why the hell am I here Rick?" Ricky asked with a curiously raised brow. If he wasn't going to 'get' any, he might as well jump out of the freaking flying UFO and splatter his insides across the city.

"Yo-you-you-you know, because of the thing" Rick stuttered as he took another long gulp of his beer.

"The thing?"

"Yeah, the thing"

"W-Wait, Ricky, what's the thing?" Morty asked.

"Oh, yeah," Ricky rolled his eyes "the _thing_ …"

"What are you both talking about?" Morty asked once more.

"T-the thing Morty, the thing," Rick slurred, as though that answered his question completely "I-It doesn't-we can talk about it later. Now shut it Morty, w-w-we gotta planet to decimate"

"No, you can't!" Morty shouted as he violently shoved Rick "Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But- but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity!"

"Wait, she doesn't know you?" Ricky asked. With no definite answer from the love-sick young teen, he glared at Morty in disappointment "Then fuck me and my words…"

"I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not…" As he took another sip of his beer, about half of it dribbled out of his mouth and soaked into his shirt "You don't got… Y-You don't gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty. Y-you gotta be careful with that younger version of me though. I got everyone's c-ch-chicks back in the day"

"What are you talking about Rick?" Morty asked, with obvious panic beginning to set into his voice.

Another large, tired sigh escaped the blue haired teen, causing him to cross his arms tightly and slump into his trashed seat like a brat who was dragged along on a Thanksgiving road trip "Well Morty, this drunk cat is out of the bag from the looks of it…" he reluctantly trailed his eyes across the listless mad scientist, whose head practically hovered over the dashboard "I'm your old man, uh, technically speaking- well, actually, not really, but, uh, you get the point"

"You're my what Ricky?" Morty asked, with a raised brow. From that dumb look on his face, it was obvious he didn't catch onto a thing he said.

In what seemed like panic, Ricky clenched his hands into fits and grabbed onto Morty's shirt "I'm saying your old man dragged his younger self into the future!" Ricky exclaimed "I AM Rick! I'm Rick Sanchez! I'm Rick-motherfucking-Sanchez Morty!"

"W-wait, you're saying you a younger version of Rick?"

Ricky vigorously nodded "And he won't send me back home! Y-you gotta help me Morty, and get me home before he screws up everything for me! I barely know what what's in this future! What the hell is cable television Morty? What. The hell. Is. it?"

"Rick, is-is this true?" Morty asked reluctantly as he tried to fight off Ricky's clenching, panicking fists. As much as he tried to push and shove his so called grandpa, he stayed on to his shirt like glue.

"You- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything" Rick ignored his question completely "Just worry about-about him getting your girl"

"I don't care about Jessica!" Marty exclaimed "Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou-"

You know what, Morty? You're right" He licked the last of the beer from his glass bottle, before he chucked it into the back seat. Ricky immediately unclenched his hands from Morty's shirt and dived out of the way from the incoming chunk of glass "Let's forget the girl all together. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways"

Rick dig his fingers into the steering wheel, and pressed a big, fat red button the the dash board. Seconds later, a smooth, clear tone pleasantly red out the weapon that would destroy the entire world.

" _Arming neutrino bomb_ "

That was it for Morty. That was it. With a loud sigh, he unbuckled himself from his seat, and dived for the steering wheel "That's it-that's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel"

Morty lunged at the painfully drunk Rick, and proceeded to punch and kick him for control of the wheel.

"Get off of me, Morty!" Rick yelled back, as he slammed his hand into Morty's persistent face. Even as he nearly stabbed his eyes with his fingers, Morty still reached at the wheel for dear life.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you trying to get us all killed?!" Ricky yelled, as he attempted to pull back Morty's clawing hands from Rick.

"I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy!" Morty shouted as he slammed his foot into Rick's face "I'm put-I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin'…I-I'm, I'm, I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb…dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world!"

Rick groaned as he tried to fight him off "Come on! What's gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don't you marry it?" He finally ripped Morty's clinging hands from his body, causing his hands to dig deeper into the dinky little steering wheel "What are you, crazy? Alright, Alright, Morty! Alright. I'll- I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden"

As Morty's sent a glare hit enough to burn a hole right through Rick's bald spot, the drunk scientist dangerously flew the car to the open desert. Ricky and Morty had to cling onto the rotted seats as Rick dived into the sand, causing the UFO to slide across the cold desert floor. Seconds later, the painfully intoxicated Rick bursted out of the car, and kept a mountain of empty beer bottles tumble to the ground.

"We'll park it right here, Morty" Rick slurred, as he clinged onto the slide of the car "Right here on the side of the ree… road here"

"Oh, thank God" Morty sighed, knowing that his life wasn't in danger anymore. Or, at least the entire freaking world anymore. So he thought.

"You know what? That was all a test, Morty" Rick explained as he fumbled in his coat pocket for his flask "Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive"

"Huh?" Ricky blinked in surprise. Did he hear right?

"It was?" Morty asked.

"Sure. Why not? I don't, I don't know. Y-you know what, Mo-" Like a switch, Rick suddenly collapsed into his mountain of beer bottles, knocked completely out. The 'happy juice' from his flask ran out and dripped onto the fine sand, as the scientist snored away, as though broken glass wasn't stabbing his chest.

" _Neutrino bomb armed_ " The car rang out pleasantly, as though it was reading a freaking menu from a hipster cafe.

"Um..." Morty anxiously trailed off, causing his eyes to reluctantly scan across the control panel.

" _Detonating in 10...9...8..._ " The voice began to count down. Morty's eyes immediately began to widen in complete and utter fear, as though he was about to one in his pants.

"Rick, R-Rick," Morty fumbled for his seatbelt, and ripped it right off. He immediately dived towards the steering wheel,a nod began to shake the obliviously asleep Rick like a rattle by his coat "Rick, wake up, Rick! We're gonna die! I'm-I'm too young to die! I'm still a v-virgin Rick! We-"

"Calm your tits Morty, and shut up for a second" Ricky commanded harshly, as he crawled to the empty passenger seat. He shoved Morty to the driver's seat, and began to push what seemed like an array of random buttons. The teen himself could barely comprehend the multiple buttons Ricky pressed with ease. It barely even looked as though he was remotely trying to save the world from a freaking bomb. Seconds later however, he leaned back into the rotting chair and crossed his arms smugly.

" _3...2...system override. Disarming neutrino bomb. Have a nice day_ " the UFO finally called out, causing Morty's pounding chest to finally take a well needed rest.

"Oh thank fucking God..." Morty sighed in relief, before he collapsed into the seat.

"See, everything is alllrrright Morty," Ricky said calmly, as he crossed his arms in the back of his head "And do me a favor will you kid? Next time we're close to death, don't bring your penis into the situation. Your 14, not Keith Richards"

"Oh..." Morty trailed off, causing his head away from Ricky "W-wait then, why-why are you even here? Why d-did Rick bring his younger self into-into the future?"

Ricky could only shrug "Beats me. If I knew why, I wouldn't be trying to, uh, sneaking around him and trying to get outta here. I know I have the traits of being a dick, and so does Rick but..." he narrowed his eyes as he took a rather long look at his older, drunk self "How the HELL did I turn into that?"

"S-so he won't let you back?"

"Nope"

"Oh..."

Ricky scoffed "I know Morty, tell me about it...And guess what kid? You're gonna help me get back"

"I-I am?" Morty replied reluctantly.

"Yeah, kid, you are. Who knows how much Rick already fucked up the timeline..." Ricky trailed off. He snapped his head to Morty, and threateningly stabbed his finger through the air "If you, uh, tell Rick about helping me, I'm gonna...I'm gonna" Ricky rolled his eyes to the ceiling of the car, thinking of a threat "I'm gonna make your sister my girlfriend and, uh, then I'm gonna marry her, then... I'm gonna fuck her up and we're gonna have lots of children Morty. Tons of children Morty, and, uh, we're gonna live happily ever after"

"Ew, that's gross, she's-she's your granddaughter. That's like-That's like incest" Morty pointed out, as he reluctantly glanced at well, his grandfather.

"Then peep a words about this at Rick!" Ricky exclaimed. Seconds later, he sighed, and slid down his rotting seat "I'm-I'm 18 Morty, and Summer is really nice...and hot, but, uh, really nice...but at the same time-"

"Shut the hell up Ricky!"

"Yeah, your probably right Morty" Ricky replied quickly "Here, grab your old man and let's get outta here. I'm driving"

Morty quickly nodded and pulled his drunken mess of a grandpa into the car. Like a rag doll, he chucked him into the backseat, causing his legs to stick up into the air like toothpicks. Before he could rearrange him, Ricky shoved the key back into the UFO car, and began to fly off into the distance.

* * *

 **So, hello! I hope I gave you a taste of what's to come(hopefully...)**

 **I kinda just wanted to do something different. I know I have a boatload of other fics I'm working on right now, but I wanted to spice things up a bit. So, why not write about a younger version of Rick joining our loveable asshole and Morty on their adventures? Its kinda of an OC fic, and kinda not an OC fic if you know what I'm getting at. I hope it's different from the other OC fics here...(I don't have anything against OC/Rick or Morty's twin sister fics, in fact, I read them pretty often. I just wanted to do something a bit different, that's all)**

 **Anyways...should I continue this? I enjoyed writing so far, so maybe you readers enjoyed it too?(Maybe...) Let me know your thoughts in the reviews, or just simply follow and/or favorite this fic.**

 **\- X-Xepher-X**


	2. Pilot

"I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?"

It was like a day like any other in the Smith family household: Jerry went on and on about topics no one gave a hoot about, Beth was on the verge of leaving to work with no plan to come back home, Summer had her eyes glued onto her phone for the 5th hour in the morning, Rick looked at his entire so called family in disappointment, Ricky stuffed his face with eggs and bacon to keep his sanity about the future, and of course Morty was on the verge of crashing into a nap. Seconds later, he did. Into his plate.

"Oh my God, his head is in his food…" Summer said in disgust "I'm going to puke"

"Morty, are you getting sick?" Beth sighed in concern "I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it"

As Ricky shoved another pile of bacon into his mouth, he used his free arm and shook Morty right awake. He seemed to blink a few times to wake himself up, until the feeling of wet, sloppy eggs began to run down his face. With a small groan, he wiped if forehead clean off and flicked his food back into his plate.

"I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom. I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something" Morty defended.

"Yeah, cause that's the problem…" Ricky sarcastically mumbled as he chugged down a cup of fresh, weak coffee.

"Or maybe you were out all night again with Grandpa Rick" Summer mumbled, typing mindlessly away on her phone.

"What?" Jerry blinks in surprise.

"Dad?" Beth replied doubtfully,

Rick simply groaned and rolled his eyes, as though he danced this dance a hundred times "What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?"

"Damn it!" Jerry hissed,

"Jerry!"

"Beth!"

"Oh my God, my parents are so loud, I want to die" Summer groaned, as though it was the end of the freaking world.

"Mm, there is no God, Summer" Rick swiftly shook his head "You gotta rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later"

"Nice kids I - you raised Rick.." Ricky couldn't help but roll his eyes at his older self. Rick seemed to send a small, yet piercing glare, as though he was carefully trying to burn a hole through his younger self, or getting an early start on his bald spot. Until Rick gave him a good smack on the head.

Ricky immediately bit his lip and clamped onto his head in pain "Ow, ow…"

Jerry sent a sharp, yet empty glare at the scientist "Okay, with all due respect, Rick- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole?"

"Listen, Jerry. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something-tell you how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time," Rick used all his energy not to roll his eyes as Jerry stared at him in absolute doubt, like he was hearing a speech from a crazy old coot that-wait, he was "Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, 'two plus two' The people in the back say, 'four.' Then the—then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue"

As Jerry still harmlessly glared at him, Rick quickly wiped his mouth on a napkin, and tossed it onto his plate. He carefully slid out of his chair, and placed his hand onto his daughter's shoulder her hands full of plates.

"This was a good breakfast, Beth," Rick complimented with a loose smile "You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them"

"Oh, Dad…" Beth replied proudly, before Rick simply walked away. His smile washed away once he clamped his hand onto Ricky's arm, and dragged him from his chair.

"Come on, w-we got work to do" Rick commanded.

"Wait I'm no-" Ricky glared briefly, before it was taken away with a swift, hard tug to his shoulder.

"You-you can stuff your face later with your cousins food" Rick pointed out ever so discreetly.

"You're not payi-" Ricky was about to point his finger accusingly, until Rick's voice cut through his words like butter.

"Hey Ricky"

"What?"

"Shut up"

"Ok then…"

"What? For real?" Jerry said unbelievably.

As the Smith family went on with their lives, Morty still sat obliviously at the table. Suddenly, his eyes rolled in the back of his head, and his body went limp. And he smacked back into his plate, sound asleep.

* * *

"H-h-hand me that screwdriver. Flathead" Rick commanded his younger self, who was practically bored to tears. With a loud, evident sigh that Rick was clearly meant to hear, Ricky tossed the screwdriver into his hand. Like Rick was deaf, he completely ignored his sigh of help, and continued to work on his portal gun.

And he could count that Ricky was definitely eying it.

"Tell me again why I'm here?" Ricky said in a monotone voice, crossing his arms "I mean, if I'm, uh, going to invent that thing, why do I need to lend you a hand?"

Rick could only roll his eyes as he threw the screwdriver aside "Wow, I forgot what an idiot I was..."

"That doesn't answer my question…" Ricky growled, attempting to ignore the insult. Even if he wanted to jump on Rick and ram that screwdriver in a place he would always find it.

"I-It's pretty obvious here Ricky, if you figure out how to get this working earlier, I-I can actually do more shit, cause, you're me"

"Then why don't you tell me how to build it?!"

"Cause you little dummy, I'm not the idiot here," Rick snapped back. "Time's complicated, something y-y-you won't know until you mess around"

Ricky opened his mouth to give the old man a piece of his mind, but immediately shut it, knowing where it was going. Rick would ask a question, and he would say what, and then Rick would tell him to shut his yap, and he would wallow in self stupidity. He's only been with Rick for nearly a month, but one thing was clear.

He became a giant dick.

Ricky narrowed his eyes, and stared down into the shiny metal table. It was long before a pushed back thought finally resurfaced into his mind. Sure, Rick wasn't exactly the most understanding...person in the world, but he was sure he could understand one thing. It's been itching in Ricky's mind ever since he arrived in the Smith household. Ever since he took a look at his future family held together by slimy putty. Ever since he saw his so called granddaughter with a pretty face, nice personality and an excellent ass. But, he also liked her personality.

"Hey Rick?," Ricky said confidently, as he scooted a bit closer to him, taking in the smell of beer "I've been thinking, you know-"

"No, you may not bang our granddaughter into oblivion" Rick cut through like a swift, ragged knife through his question. Seconds later, he shoved his younger self away.

"I wasn't asking that you old fart! Specifically…"

Rick couldn't help but roll his eyes "Oh I'm sorry, you may not bang our granddaughter into the next dimension is what I meant"

"Well why n-n-not?!" Ricky exclaimed "W-w-were both practically the same age! We both-we both like pancakes with s-surup on top, and we both find people in expensive clothing attractive! I mean, if that isn't a match made in heaven…"

"Ooo you both like syrup on pancakes," Rick said sarcastically "Let's just run both of you up to the altar and let you do it out in front of the priest. I'm sure that's what Beth and her idiot worked for.

"I not asking to have sex with her!" Ricky defended "I-I-I genuinely like her!"

Rick responded with a tired sigh "Look kid, it's pretty o-obvious your teenage hormones or whatever are controlling your penis"

"I'm 18 you-"

"Buuuut, keep it in your pants. Waaaay down. Staple that thing if you have to. I-I-I'm not gonna have my young self fuck up my future. Why-why do you think you're here?" Before Ricky could respond, Rick picked up his freshly refined portal gun, and stood up "W-We gotta pick up Morty from school. We got-got something to do"

Ricky only rolled his eyes and , tired from being dragged on yet another 'fun' adventure. Sure, the first few times were a blast, but they slowly lost their appeal as Rick made him do rather...dangerous stuff. Like smuggling. A lot of smuggling.

Ricky suddenly stuck his hand in Rick's coat pocket, and pulled out his flask. Right as the scientist was about to go off on him, Ricky popped off the top, and took a long needed drink. Rick blinked in surprise as his younger self burped in satisfaction, and wiped off the excess from his mouth with his jean jacket. Without so much as an acknowledgement, he plopped the flask back into his coat, and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"I gotta start somewhere with your alcoholism" Ricky causally shrugged as he exited the garage. Seconds later, Rick only shrugged, took a hearty drink, and followed right behind.

It wasn't long until the two reached the school. After an argument of directions, a few smacks on the head, and an order to chicken nuggets, Rick haphazardly parked his car in the middle if the stairs, and dragged Ricky into the school along with him. Considering they both didn't knew where Morty's class was, it was only a miracle they found him so fast. In front of a locker. Hung up. With a knife dangerously close to his neck.

The bully, Frank snarled dangerously at the rather confused, yet scared Morty. Morty was hung up by his shirt helplessly as Frank practically dig his pocket knife into his neck.

"You telling me how to bully now?" Frank snarled, as he narrowed his eyes "Big mistake, Morty and now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich"

Suddenly, Rick whipped out another gun from his coat,many shot it off, causing a thick stream of blue to shoot off. It was only moments later Frank's screams were muffled out by his icy prison, causing Morty's shirt to slide from his hand like...well, ice

"There you are, Morty. Listen to me," Rick yanked him from the floor "I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need another pair of hands, cause Ricky's not enough"

"Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-what'd you do to Frank?" Morty said doubtfully as she glanced at the painfully frozen bully.

"That is definitely not legal..." Ricky responded anxiously.

"Laws are just suggestions on paper, Ricky," Rick answered back "It's pretty obvious, Morty. I froze him. Now listen I need your help, Morty. I mean, we got we got to get get the hell out of here and go take care of business," He burped "It's important. Come on, Morty"

"I don't know, Rick. I can't leave school again"

Rick suddenly my clapped do to Morty's shoulders and shook him like a rattle "Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Morty? What, do you think me and this dipshit can just do it all by ourselves? Come on!"

"Because this dick has his hand glued to to his flask" Ricky mumbled.

"Your opinion is irreverent"

"It's a fact"

"Your irrelevant then"

"Ok then..."

Morty anxiously rubbed his neck "Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip history. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?"

"I'll do it later, Morty. He'll be fine" Rick lied ever so reassuringly "Let's go"

Before Morty could say a word, Rick clamped onto his arm, and dragged him through the halls, on yet another adventure. Nothing could go wrong.

"AAAAHHHHH!"

"Rick W-what was that?" Morty doubtfully asked.

"I-it's nothing Morty. Ignore it"

"FRRAAANKKK!"

"See, it's nothing"

* * *

The trio quickly escaped to a nearby alley where Rick secretly whipped out his portal gun, and quickly shot his green, swirling portal on a wall.

"There she is. All right," Rick glanced down "Come on, Morty, Ricky, Let's go"

"Oh, geez, okay" Morty nervously replied, and he carefully stepped through the portal. Rick on the other hand, looking as uninterested and bored as ever, flung himself across the green lining of the portal, and shot into the new dimension.

Rick just walked.

Morty's eyes widened in a mixture of terror, curiosity, and and anxiety, all rolled up into one giant new emotion only he could feel. He shriveled up his arms closer to his body as the blinding colors of the new world pierced through his tiny brain. Everything from the splatter that was the sky to the oddly colorful ground was barely comprehensible for Morty. Hell, he was dragged into another dimension by his determined grandpa. And of course the small, more competent version of him.

"Oh, man, Rick. What is this place?" Morty asked reluctantly, as the trio walked though the new land.

"It's Dimension 35-C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Morty, called a mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits," Rick explained "I'm talking about mega seeds. They're they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Morty"

"What kind of, uh, research?" Ricky asked.

"That doesn't matter right now, Ricky. What matter is that we get those muthafuckin' seeeeds!"

"Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing" Morty mumbled, as he defensively rubbed his hands together. Suddenly, Rick clamped his hands onto Morty's small shoulders and bent down.

"All right, all right, calm down," He raised his hand "Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be-"

A loud roar suddenly ripped through his old ears, causing his hairs to stand on end. Rick snapped his head in back of him, causing a nervous drop of sweat to run down his face. A big, giant alien stood just inches in back of them, looking as hungry as ever. With a big mouth. And giant teeth. Sharp teeth.

Well fuck.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ricky yelled, causing him to freeze right in place, and stab his finger towards the creature.

"HOLY CRAP, RUN!" Rick screamed at the top of his lungs. He suddenly clamped his hands on the two younger boys, and yanked them in the other direction, running for their freaking lives. The monster of course, with nothing else to do, followed its meals like a hawk.

"Rick, w-what's that?!" Morty yelled in panic.

"I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Morty!" Rick shouted back "JUST RUN LIKE HELL!"

The loud screams continued until Rick found a relatively hard surface that resembled a rock, and hid out until the creature simply gave up and went to sniff out more prey. Until it felt like Rick wasn't going to kneel, over and die because of a heart attack, he took a giant, refreshing breath, and stood up ever so confidently. While Morty and Ricky were still having a nervous breakdown.

"Oh, Morty, Ricky take a deep breath," Rick said calmly "Breathe that breathe that fresh air in, Morty. Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Morty. That's that's the smell of-of-of-of a whole different evolutionary timeline"

"I-I'm going to die..." Ricky mumbled under his breath.

"All right, Rick," Motty agreed "look how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now?"

"Are you joking me?" The scientist scoffed "I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there," He pointed to a creature that resembled a pile of flesh with eyes, making weird noises and rolling around on the ground, as though it was the weekend "What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. It defies all logic, that thing"

"And you know, could murder all of us Rick," Ricky pointed out, curiously tilting his head "I'm not a rocket scie - hell I don't need a degree to know you don't wanna die. If that thing rips off my head, we're both dead"

"Yeah, yeah I know," Rick rolled his eyes, not in the mood for a lecture, let alone from his younger self "R-Ricky look, stop being a buzzkill and look at that thing," he grabbed Ricky head and shoved it towards the creature, causing Ricky to grimace "Loooook"

"Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters," Morty said was he waved his hands freely in the air "That's kind of the reason why I want to leave"

It was seconds later the trio stopped at a high, dangerous cliff, overlooking the vast land scale of the foreign land. And something that made Rick's eyes light up as though it was a giant bottle of tequila. Even vodka would do. But nope, it was trees. Just trees. Plain ol' trees

"Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Morty, you see this?" Rick pointed in the distance in excitement "You see what we just stumbled upon, Morty? Any idea what that is down there?"

"The mega trees?"

"That's right, Morty the mega trees with the mega fruit on them and that's what I'm talking about, Morty," Rick explained "That's where my seeds are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with school" he rolled his eyes, like a typical teenager.

"All right, all right," Morty held up his hands in defense "So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?"

"You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an *burp* Under *burp* underfoot figure"

"And we're going to get down there how?" Ricky asked raising his brow. Suddenly, a pair of thick heavy shoes hurled right as his stomach, causing him to wince and practically bend over in pain.

"Oh god..." Ricky managed to squeak out, as his eyes practically bulged out of his head

"Just take these shoes, Ricky," Rick explained casually, as he tossed a pair to Morty "They're *burp* special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Morty up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together"

Morty raised his brows doubtfully, but slipped on the shoes anyways. With a few careful stomps in the dirt, a smile of satisfaction crossed his face. With one step, he confidently dug his shoe into the dirt. Until he tumbled down like a weed.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Morty's screamed for dear life, until he landed with a giant thud.

"Morty!" Rick shouted in shock "Hey kid, you ok?"

"You have to turn them on, Morty! The shoes have to be turned on!" Rick yelled without as so much as a shred of concern.

It was only seconds later that Ricky came running down the giant cliff, only to be meet with a painfully hurt Morty. The hurt Morty groaned as his desperately broken legs twitched around like a grasshopper. Broken was an understatement. His legs look like someone snapped a couple of toothpicks and glued them together with elmer's glue. Not even that, but with the cheap store brand.

"Morty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now," Rick so obviously pointed out as he casually walked down "You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Morty, for them to work. Yeah, look I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze"

"They look very broken..." Ricky mumbled anxiously.

"I'm in a lot of pain, Rick!" Morty cried.

"Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Morty?"

"You're asking that?!" Ricky shouted in disbelief "Your a-a-a real dick you old fart, you know that?! No, no no, you're a real RICK, because at this point Dick and Rick have the same connotation! They mean the same thing!"

"Hey kid, you-you know you're calling yourself a dick too" Rick pointed out

"I have run out of fucks to give! I let my last fuck sail on the S.S Fuck, captained by Captain Fuck to the land where fucks never return! They're going to neverfuckland! Never. Fuck. Land"

Rick anxiously looked at his younger self "Jeez you got a lot of resentment my bottle in that tiny body of yours..."

"Well FUCK you too!"

"Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick!" Morty's screamed out in anger, causing his swollen legs to aggravate themselves "That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but but even Hitler cared about Germany or something..."

Rick held up his hands in defense "Okay, hold on just a second, Morty" he pointed his portal gun near the cliff, where he kept a swirling, green portal form. Seconds after he stepped in, the portal disappeared into thin air.

Ricky, after he actually ran out of his collection of fucks, took a deep breath, and bent down near Morty.

"Morty, I-think I can fix your legs Morty" Ricky said as he rolled up her sleeves.

"R-really? Ow!" Morty cried "Are you sure?"

"Uhh..." Ricky trailed off as he claimed onto his legs "No"

"Ooh! Ohh! Ooh!"

"Stop, stop twitching!"

"Hnngh! Hoo! Ooh!"

"Aw god, that didn't sound good..."

"Ohh! Aaaaagh! Oooooh!"

"Jesus Christ it looks worse...It-it looks like a complete mess here Morty. They-they look like a grasshopper just got hit by a truck...Oh jesus fucking christ your legs are still twitching..."

As Ricky shielded his view from Morty's uncontrollable legs to prevent his breakfast from spewing everywhere, the portal popped up again, revealing Rick with a giant needled filled with some, kind of thick, green liquid. Suddenly, he stabbed Morty's painfully snapped legs, causing them to strained out back to their toothpick, straight shape.

"Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Rick," Morty jumped onto his feet, and tried out his new, fresh legs "That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you"

"Don't worry about it, Morty. Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?" Rick brought a loose grin to his face and pointed to the trees .

"Sure thing, Rick"

"Heh, heh..." Ricky anxiously mumbled, rubbing his neck "I guess I might have been wrong..."

"Oh, what's that Ricky?" Rick replied sarcastically "Oh, right. When I went through the portal, I found your last fuck. It's wayyy up your ass Ricky. Like, really up your butt hole. It's a butt plug at this point"

As Ricky nervously laughed and secretly wanted to shove that portal gun somewhere inside Rick, Morty jumped up in front of the tree, and pulled down a couple of seeds.

"Not that you asked, Morty, " Rick said as he walks up to Morty "What just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Morty"

"Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick"

"There's just one problem, Morty one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, that *burp* they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Morty, and they had been forever. I was the only old person there, Morty. *burp* It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. I-I was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Morty, and they they they they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device it's got no charge left, Morty. It's got no charge left"

"Wait what?" Ricky widened his eyes.

"What?!" Morty yelled in panic.

"It's as good as garbage, Morty," Rick tossed the useless metal away on the ground "It's not gonna work anymore, Morty"

"Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do?" Morty's clamped onto his head in panic "I-I have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?"

"There's ways to get back home, Morty. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid"

"Uh-oh"

"When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them wayyy up inside your butthole, Morty" Rick raised his finger high up into the air, emphasizing his point.

"In my butt?" Morty's nervously repeated.

"Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit"

"Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that"

The scientist scoffed "Well, somebody's got to do it, Morty. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Morty"

"Uuuh..."

"And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for grandpa, Morty. Y*burp*-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt"

"In my butt?" Morty's glanced at Ricky, who refused to even make eye contact with him "W-why can't he do it? H-he's you!"

Rick snapped his narrowed, interested eyes towards his younger self, who smiled and waved back. His smile however, soon faded as Rick's narrowed eyes became smaller and smaller, until it looked as though he completely closed his eyes. Suddenly, Rick leapt towards Ricky, and comfortably wrapped his arm around his shoulder.

"R-Ricky, you're gonna do a real solid for me, won't you? You're gonna-you're gonna stick this other mega seed, and shove it wayyy up there Ricky. Wayyy up there"

Ricky suddenly shoved Rick away "W-why me? Why can't you just have, uh, the kid do it?"

"Aw jeez..."

"Because Ricky," Rick rolled his eyes "You're going to be doing this sooner or later. T-think of it as-as a lesson, expect not like a crappy school course where all you do is stare off into the distance. Real life experience"

"Do...do I have to?"

Rick loose smile and eagerly shaking hands was all he needed.

* * *

"The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only"

A loud flush escaped the bathroom, followed by Morty cautiously exiting, rubbing his butt in pain. Sure, the seeds were big, but he didn't expect them to be as pointy as they were. It was like a gnome rammed himself up there.

A small squeak murmured though his ears, causing Morty to snap his head around do in suspicion. When the sound of small, gradual foot steps escaped the bathroom however, he turned around, to see none other than Rick. In great pain.

"Are-Are you alright Ricky?" Morty asked "You don't look so hot..."

Rick practically waddled to Morty with his knees stapled together, as he felt that seed poke some things that didn't need to feel pain. Hell, he didn't know some of those things could even feel pain.

"N-no..." Ricky squeaked out, as his face was bright red in pain "Not really..."

They both carefully walked to the security line, where Rick had his hands stuffed right into his pockets. His sharp, cautious eyes carefully scanned the various aliens that walked, climbed, and crawled through the place.

"I don't like it here, Morty. I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation," Rick explained "Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?"

"Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay?" Morty pleaded, rubbing his butt "I mean, these things are pointed. They hurt"

"Oh sweet god almighty this thing is ripping my ass up..." Ricky mumbled painfully.

"That means they're good ones," the scientist pointed out, ignoring his younger self's pain "You're a good kid, Morty. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-*burp*-all kind of things with them. It's gonna be great, Morty. A-*burp*-all kinds of science"

The trio moved up the line, as the aliens passed through security without a hitch. Suddenly, the alien,a gromflomite, raised up his hand, and pointed towards Morty

"You go over there" The Gromflomite commanded.

"Why does he have to go over there?" Rick demanded, aggression creeping up into his voice.

"Random check," he explained "He's got to go through the new machine"

"What's...what's it do?" Ricky asked painfully.

"It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt"

"..."

"Run, Morty! Ricky, Run!" I know yelled at the top of his lungs, and he leapt over the security line and ran like hell for the exit. Morty soon followed, jumping right over the line and closely following Rick.

Ricky grabbed onto his ass and sighed.

"Ohhhh why?" Ricky mumbled, before Rick went back and dragged him across the line

"Aaaaaah!" Morty screamed as Rick yanked him closer.

"Red alert!"

Entire place suddenly became swallowed up by a sea of red, as the alarms blared through. As the trio bursted through the exit, a team of fly like aliens surrounded the exit, caring deadly guns.

"Ohhhhh!" Morty's cried as he snapped his head in back of him. Rick dragged the two teens and weaved them through the aliens that still surrounded the room, as though they had no idea what an alarm did. Suddenly, Rick planted his foot onto a large, glass tube filled with a thick, yellow liquid, causing it to roll over and crush a few gromflomites.

"Ohhhhhh!" Morty's yelled as he heard their bonds, or whatever they had, crush like twigs.

Rick crashed through another large tube, causing using glass to fly like, well, flies. A creature suddenly emerged out of the tube, and gasped for air, sweet, sweet air. Before it could get onto its feet, it turned into a like to wrinkly fresh, until it vanished out of existence.

"Aaaaah!" Morty cried in horror.

"Don't think about it!" Rick shouted

"RUN!" Ricky yelled.

After another corner, they met a giant dead end, causing Morty to whine in utter and complete panic. He snapped his head behind him, revealing the terrifying gromflomites and their equally scary guns. Well Rick was right. He was gonna die. Unless...

An idea suddenly popped into his head. Morty glanced down to his shoes, and snapped gym right on. Without another thought, he leapt onto the wall.

"Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher" Rick said with a loose grin, soon following. Ricky whined as he painfully bent down to his shoes and snapped them on. With a scream high enough to break glass, he leapt onto the wall and followed right behind.

It would have been a great idea, if the aliens didn't suddenly have wings that popped out from their backs. The trio waved through the lasers that escaped the aliens guns, until they crashed into the ground, and ran like hell into the control room. Rick immediately ran to the computer, and started to spew what looked like nonsense to Morty. Morty's raised, confused brow however was swiftly interrupted by the rain of lasers that rained inside the room, like some strange, killer rain.

"I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Morty. Cover me" Rick commanded, as he tossed Morty a gun. He screamed slightly as the deadly gun fumbled in his hands.

"Oh, man. I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody" Morty pleaded.

"They're just robots, Morty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots!"

Morty's doubtfully looked at the aliens as they flawlessly shot their guns into the control room. He hesitantly raised the gun, until Ricky ripped it out of his hands, and began to casually shoot.

"Don't know, don't care, just want to go home," Ricky said with half lidded eyes "On the bright side, my butt doesn't feel like it's on fire anymore"

Ricky continued to shoot, until his laser pieced through a gromflomite's leg, causing blood to spew everywhere. It was clear then to Morty, it wasn't a robot.

Aaaaah!" He cried as he smashed into the ground, bleeding to his certain death "My leg is shot off!"

"Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!"

"They're not robots, Rick!" Morty replied nervously.

"It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Morty. You have no idea what prison is like here!"

"And who cares!" Ricky shouted through his lasers "I just want to get this thing outta my butt Morty!"

Ricky continued to shoot off, causing the lasers to penetrate and blow off the heads of some other, non-lethal aliens, like a fountain of blood that escaped their heads. Although Morty cringed, Ricky mercilessly shot every little thing that moved.

"Holy crap!" Morty shouted "This is insane!"

Suddenly, a giant,swirling portal opened, causing Rick to yank the two teens to him.

"Come on, Ricky, Morty!" Rick yelled "We got to get the hell out of here!"

Rick dived through the portal, emerging into the cafeteria on the other side. They slid across the table, crashing into a few trays full of what seemed to be mush and questionable things that resembled food. Right in front of Jessica.

"Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?" Jessica asked, as her eyes lit up.

"Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my my Ferrari's in the shop," Morty anxiously rubbed his neck and laughed like an idiot "Just kidding"

"You're Morty, right?"

"Yeah..." He blushed.

"Now's is not the time Morty" Ricky shouted as he slid Morty off the table like a wash cloth. With that' he yanked on Morty's arm until they bursted through the cafeteria, into the empty, safe hallway.

"You can get his number later. Come on, Morty," Rick grabbed Morty's helpless arm and dragged him close behind "We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass"

His hopes were quelled once he turned the corner. He suddenly skidded to a stop in front the people he hoped to avoid all day. Yes, that was including his daughters idiot.

Jerry angrily crossed his arms, along with the school principal and Beth "Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche and his assistant Steven Hawk...douche"

"What?" Beth blinks in surprise.

"I'm an angry father, not an improvisor" He groaned.

"Oh, hi, Jerry" Rick said in the most happy, fake voice ever heard to mankind, before he put on his 'shocked' face "Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your your parents and I are very disappointed in in this behavior..."

An awkward silence went in between Rick and Jerry, causing Ricky to step aside and smile as family as ever.

"Well, you guys are doing great!" Ricky raised his thumb in assurance "Now, if you would excuse me, I gotta big dump to take..."

Ricky suddenly ran like hell, ready to rip his stupid seed out of his ass, leave Rick to fend for himself. How he was gonna kill that son of a bitch later...

"No? No takers?"

* * *

"You guys should really not be touching that stuff" Rick pointed out "It's beyond your reasoning"

Jerry simply dumped Rick's stuff inside a cardboard box, without a hint of concern for anything he owned at all. His garage could actually be a garage, not some kind of lab. Angry, he dropped the box and let it crash into the ground.

"You're beyond our reasoning!" Jerry shouted as he pointed his finger accusingly.

Rick sniffed and crossed his arms "Takes one to know one"

"Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school?" Beth asked in disappointment "I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's"

"What what are you guys doing with my stuff?" Rick demanded as he saw Beth hull his box of science onto a moving truck.

Beth sighed "We're moving you to a nursing home."

"A nursing home? What are what are you, nuts? I'm a genius," Rick crossed his arms "I build robots for fun"

"Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the boy scouts every Christmas" Jerry said with bitterness

"What does that mean?" Beth questioned.

"It's personal"

"And besides, what the hell I am supposed to do with him?" Rick pointed to Ricky, who only smiled anxiously.

"I don't know, send him back with his parents or something," Jerry shrugged "Send him to a crappy apartment for all I care! He's 18"

Ricky raised his brow and crossed his arms "With all due respect Jerry, fuck you"

"Why can't I earn some respect in this household?!"

"Dad, mom, come on. Rick and Ricky just needed my help is all" Morty pleaded.

"Morty, stay out of this," his father snapped "You are obviously not capable of judging these situations on your own"

"What are you trying to say about Morty? That he's stupid or something?" Rick raised his brow ever so elegantly.

"Oh, don't high-road us, dad. You know fully well that Morty is the last child that needs to be missing classes" Beth said aggressively.

"Can you be a little bit more specific?" Ricky questioned, raising his thick brow as well.

"Oh, for crying out - he's got some kind of disability or something," Jerry shouted "Is that what you want us to say?"

"I do?" Morty question nervously.

"Well, duh doy, son," He sighs, and bent down to his son "Look, I love you, Morty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard"

"Aw, geez, dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once..."

"Morty, t-tell your parents the square root of pi" Rick commanded.

"Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't"

"The square root of pi, Morty. Go!"

"1.77245385..." Morty's suddenly blinked out of his weird, mind consuming trance "Whoa!"

"What the hell?" Beth raised her brow in shock.

Jerry opened his mouth in awe "Holy crap. He's right"

"Morty, tell your parents the first law of Thermodynamics" Rick commanded again.

"'The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system'" Morty regurgitated again "Wow! I'm so smart!"

"But-"

Rick cut Jerry right off "I told the both of you school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind," he put his clammy hand onto Morty's shoulder, causing him to smile "That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. He needs to keep hanging out and helping me"

All Beth could do was sigh and glance over to her husband "Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop"

"No, I-I understand," Jerry nodded "Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school"

"Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say no?" Rick shrugged "You you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be clear communication"

Summer suddenly bursted in with tears streaming down her face. Thick black makeup lined her face as though she was about to go up on a stage for a death metal band and sing about burning flesh.

"Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!" Summer sobbed as she dived back into the house.

"No idea what she's talking about" Rick assured. Although Jerry sent him a suspicious look, he quickly washed it off and bent next to Morty.

"Okay. Well, uh, Morty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again," he took a deep breath of satisfaction and stood up confidently "This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family and now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you"

"You know what? Okay"

With that, Beth and Jerry left the garage, leaving Ricky to stare in awe of the ridiculously happy Morty.

"Jeez kid, you really pulled those things outta thin air, good job" Ricky complimented as she stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"I know Ricky. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter" Morty said in excitement.

Until Rick crushed his dreams like a bug "Full disclosure, Morty it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity"

"Aw, man..." Morty frowned in disappointment.

"Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty," Rick glanced to his watch "Starting right about now"

"Ohh, man..." Morty's words twisted into his mouth as he kneeled over onto the ground and began to twitch uncontrollably. His eyes seemed to cross as his limbs uncontrollably flopped around like a fish out of water.

"Oh, geez! Ohh..."

"Uh...Rick?" Ricky said anxiously, hesitantly glancing down at Morty.

"I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer," Rick shrugged carelessly "In reality, you're as dumb as they come and I needed those seeds real bad, but we got one, but I need more and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more,"

"Shouldn't we help him Rick?"

Rick smiled in excitement "And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty and you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty,"

"Rick?"

"because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty but if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of them, and together, we're gonna run around, Morty. We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things,"

"Rick..."

"Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures,"

"Ok I'm just going to help him..."

"Morty. Rick and Morty forever and forever. Morty's things. Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time"

"Morty, Jesus Christ stop twitching!"

"All day long, forever. All a hundred days. Rick and Morty forever 100 times. Over and over, All 100 years. Every minute, "

* * *

 **So, there's the full first episode! I hoped that mixed it up well enough for your enjoyment. I hope to see you the next time I update.**

 **Reviews are appreciated!**

 **\- X-Xepher-X**


	3. Lawnmower Dog

It was just another lazy day for the Smiths. In other words, the weekend finally came over, letting the family household rest from their boring, forgettable life. The Smiths, at least.

There Ricky Sanchez sat, the younger version of the drunk-ass scientist, grilled to a crisp with any question that popped up in Jerry's head. It felt sort of odd to him that Jerry started asking questions about him straight out of the blue, but it was probably just his way of taking what little masculinity he had left in his household. So he sat lazily on the couch and leaned in ever so close to Summer, as Jerry bombarded with with any question that popped up in his mind.

It got him out of working with Rick, and gave him some time to plan his sweet, well needed escape from the future. So far, at least.

"Rick never told me he had a sister…" Jerry said ever so suspiciously, contemplating that obvious lie.

"Uh, yeah," Ricky shrugged "I'm her, uh, son"

"Not _grandson_?" Jerry asked ever so accusingly.

"Nope. Her name is, uh, Rika" He bluntly lied. It was such a bad lie that he practically slapped himself in the face.

"Rika?"

"What? Were you expecting Sharon or something? You want the name of one of those old hags who wave their canes in the air complain about how they don't get no respect?

"No, I-" Jerry tried to defend, holding up his hands in the air, but as always, he was swiftly cut off.

"I - HE'S old, but he ain't in diapers again"

"Of course, of course, but-" He cut himself off, as he family dog casually walked into the living room. Looking as innocent and furry as ever, the white, fluffy dog immediately grabbed the small minded mans attention as he planted himself right in front of his feet.

"What? Why are you looking at me?" Jerry flicked his hand impatiently in the air "You want to go outside? Outside? Outside?"

The dog paused at looked Jerry straight in the eye with its black beast eyes that would make any little girl squeal in delight. Or, at least until he proceeded to lift up his leg and...piss on the carpet.

"Are you kidding me?!" Jerry shouted, jumping up to his feet "Come on!"

"Oh, my God…" Summer groaned.

"Tell me about it. Way to train your dog, Jerry" Ricky said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"He's not my dog!"

It wasn't long before Morty came running in, as though an actual family emergency happened. Which seemed to be nearly every since Rick and Ricky came in.

"What's wrong?" Morty anxiously asked, slowly creeping into the room.

"Your idiot dog!" Jerry shouted, pointing his finger straight at the evidence of his freshly peeped carpet.

"Oh, he he didn't mean it, dad," Morty defended, as he knelt down next to his oblivious dog and pet him "Did you, snuffles? You're a good boy"

"Don't praise him now, Morty! He just peed on the carpet!" Jerry demanded. Suddenly, he leapt from the couch, and grabbed the dog by the scruff. It wasn't long before he was shoving Snuffles into his own warm pee "Bad dog! Bad!"

"At least kick the poor thing outside," Ricky said, waving his hands up in the air in defense. Even with his pathetic plead, he made little to no effort to actually help the dog.

Rick burst into the room, only to hear yelling and a dog whining ring through his ears. Before he was actually going to make a comment, his eyes laid on his two 'helper'. In an instant, he grabbed onto their arms

"Ricky, Morty, come on. I need your help tonight" Rick said as he began pulling them out.

"Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick," Jerry jumped up from the poor pee soaked dog and ran to the scientist "You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?"

"I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread," Rick warned, before he started dragging them out again "Come on"

"Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family," Jerry demanded ever so cleverly "You make that dog smart or...Morty's grounded! Ha-ha!"

"Aw, man!" Morty shouted.

"Uh…" Ricky was about to make a comment on how utterly stupid his logic was, (he was sure Rick knew that too,) but Rick swiftly cut him off.

"Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry" Rick disappeared into the garage, and quickly patched up something together to quell the idiot that was his son-in-law. After a few bangs, he came back in, with a helmet in hand.

"All right, Ruffles…" Rick trailed off as he knelt and stuck the helmet on the dog "What's his name?"

"Snuffles" Morty corrected

"Snuffles, shake," Rick commanded, causing the dog to put his paw on his hand "Roll over," The dog rolled across the carpet "Go to the bathroom" The dog disappeared into the hall, only to flush the toilet seconds later.

"Holy crap!" Summer said in amazement, actually un-glueing her face from her phone.

"No way!" Jerry blinked in surprise

"Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun," Rick said as he finally managed to pull the two into the garage "Come on, Morty, Ricky"

"I have to admit, that was actually pretty cool" Ricky reluctantly complimented

"Yeah, that was fantastic, Rick!" Morty agreed.

"Yeah, Morty, if you like that, boy, you're you're really going to flip your lid over this one" Rick pulled a small, metal, device from under is giant microscope, and revealed it to the two, lighting up their eyes.

"W-w-w-what is it?" Morty asked in curiosity.

"It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty," Rick explained, before he rolled his eyes "It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about"

"You talking about Inception?"

"Wait, what's Inception?" Ricky asked, still without a clue of most modern things.

"It's that movie with Leo-Leonardo Decaprio" Morty explained.

"Uh...sure" Ricky obliviously agreed, not knowing who the hell he was either.

"This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense" Rick pointed out.

"Inception made sense" Morty defended.

"You don't have to try to impress me, Morty," He put his hand on his shoulder "Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can, you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time"

"Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?" Morty whined.

"Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it," he slammed his car door open before he slid right inside "Come on, let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. You're-You're-You're frustrating me"

With a that, they all flew into the sky, ready to screw up something else again.

* * *

 _"You don't know me!"_

The fictional character named after a breakfast plate sassily whipped her finger through the air, earning a right nod from the lazily teacher that was Mr. Goldenfold. He chuckle, causing the bowl of what looked like Cheetos to shake on his developing beer belly.

His house looked like a complete mess. For a teacher who earned a high school paycheck, he could have spruced up- Oh right, he had a high school paycheck.

"Nice, Mrs. Pancakes real nice" Mr. Goldenfold agreed, before he knocked right into sleep. Rick cautiously looked at the now snoring teacher, before he silently lifted up the window and creeped it.

"Hey Rick, isn't this, you know, illegal?" Ricky asked, even though he followed suit and climbed through.

"Way to be a kill joy *burp* Ricky" Rick rolled his eyes.

 _"Next week on 'The days and nights of Mrs. Pancakes'..."_

 _"You don't know me!"_

 _"Then let me get to know yo, damn it!"_

"Uh-oh! Spoilers!" Rick whispered as he grabbed the remote and shut the T.V off "I'm a full season behind"

"Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house," Morty said in amazement as he slipped through the window "It's really weird"

"It's about to get a whooole lot weirder, Morty" Rick suddenly rammed the small device into his ear, causing the teen to face plant into the carpet as his eyes shut closed.

"You sure this is-" Ricky was about to say, but was cut off by the device suddenly stuck in his ear. His eyes clamped shut, causing him to slam face first into the T.V, and lay there like a wet rag stuck for drying. Sure that everyone was dead asleep, he comfortably stuck himself on a bean bag chair and stuck the device in his ear.

In a snap, he was transported into a plane packed with people. Mindless chatter cured as the loveable Mrs. Pancakes rolled down the aisle with a cart full of wheat thins.

"Wheat thins. Wheat thins" She called out, only to be stopped by Mr. Goldenfold.

"I'll take two" He said seductively with a raised brow. Even in his dreams, his flirtations were enough to make Ricky cringe.

"Oh, I think you've had enough, sir" Mrs. Pancakes giggled.

"You don't know me"

As they laughed. Ricky again couldn't help but cringe again.

"Jeez, someone needs to get this guy a girlfriend or something…" Ricky anxiously trailed off "Or a life"

"He's a high school math teacher Ricky" Rick pointed out.

"Fair point…"

"All right, time to make our move…" Rick whispered, eying a couple of liters of soda, a red scarf, and a pen and paper.

"Make it bounce"

"No, you didn't"

"Oh, jiggle it now"

"You better stop with that"

"ALLAHU AKABAR _BITCHES_!"

The three leapt out from the seats, revealing the pathetic makeshift fake terrorist group. While Morty had a scarf wrapped around his head and Rick soda bottles around his waist, Ricky slipped out with a piece of paper with absolute nonsense written on it, meant to be a death note. Screams of terror occurred, except from person.

"We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math!" Rick warned. His eyes narrowed as Goldenfold slowly slipped from his seat "Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!"

"The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold," The teacher replied slickly, before he grabbed the bowl of wheat thins "Nice to _WHEAT_ you!"

Like ninja stars, he chuckled the thins at the three. They all widened their eyes, before they leapt for cover.

"Take cover, Morty!" Rick shouted as he slid in between the seats again.

"The fuck?!" Ricky yelled, as one wheat thin dug into his leg.

"Ooh!" Morty cried. Wheat thins dug right into his arms, covering his once pale arm in thick blood. He desperately leapt for cover next to Ricky, who chucked his bloody wheat thin him right at Goldenfold.

Right when he looked up however, his eyes widened. Instead of his beloved wheat thins in his hand, two assault rifles were let loose. Screams of bloody murder filled the cabin as Goldenfold screamed for entering shooting his guns off.

"Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. I didn't take him for an active dreamer..." Rick trailed off as he carefully looked at the teacher "We got to take him out so he wakes up, Ricky, Morty. But we can't get killed. If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real"

"What?! Are you kidding me?!" Morty panicked "Ohhhhhh!"

"That would have been nice to know you old fart!" Ricky yelled.

"Don't be a baby!" Rick hissed back "You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Ricky. Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!"

It wasn't long before Mr. Goldenfold ran out of fire power. When his last bullet rang out, he groaned and chucked his guns aside. Then he heard a noise.

"Hmm?" He raised his brow in interest.

Rick quickly poked his head out "Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk!"

"Why would I negotiate with you?"

"Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen," Hen Rick leapt out with Mrs. Pancakes in hand, letting her desperately struggle "And because I have a human shield"

"Mrs. Pancakes!" Mr. Goldenfold screamed in utter panic.

"And-and-and were gonna kill her of you don't give Morty an A!" Ricky said, as he strapped the 'bombs' around her waist.

"G-give him an A!" Rick agreed.

Everyone suddenly stopped screaming and looked straight at the Rick. Seconds later however, all hell broke loose. All the passengers started to scream at the top of their lungs and run around like headless chickens. One passenger had the bright idea to rip the emergency escape right open.

1 mile up in the air.

Screams continued as passengers were sucked right out the plane like a vacuum, taking Goldenfold and Mrs. Pancakes in a snap.

"Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking" Rick warned as he clung onto a seat for dear life.

"Run!" Rick shouted as he grabbed Morty and clung onto a seat. No matter how much their fingers dug into the seat, they were sucked out like the rest of them. Morty screamed at the top of his lungs as Rick curled himself into a tight ball, knowing the worst was about to happen. Or, at least until Rick slapped the crap out of them.

"Relax, both of you. Look!" Rick pointed down "Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!"

"Oh thank fucking god" Rick cried in relief as he swam right behind Rick like a flightless bird. Mrs. Pancakes squealed as the three clung onto her, like their only savior and hope.

"Hey, you don't know me!" She cried in defense, yet made little to no effort to shake them off.

"Oh, no, Rick, look!" Morty yelled and he pointed down in horror. Sure enough,,there Goldenfold sat in a pretty pink bed right next to a steaming bowl of hot lava. In his hand sat a remote, that surely controlled the giant arm.

"Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out of the air while he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Morty. Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable..." Rick mumbled, suddenly, his eyes widened.

"That's it, Morty! Prolonging the inevitable!" He suddenly shouted "Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Morty. That'll buy us some time to figure this out!"

"You don't know m-" She was cut off by hard knock to the neck. With her knocked out, he rammed the device in her ear.

"All right, let's go" Rick said, before the three stuck the device in their own ears. The three suddenly popped into the dream further revealing a dark dank, kinky little sex dungeon.

"Didn't expect this..." Ricky shrugged.

"Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird..." Morty anxious trailed off. As he glanced at all the wonder's in the cave.

"Don't judge, Morty" Rick responded.

"Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there," He pointed to her, as she whipped the crap out of some creature in a leather suit that left very little to the imagination "I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up"

The scientist latched to his arm and suddenly whipped his around "Whoa, whoa, Morty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. If we're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend" A few creatures grabbed his arms and began to carry him away "I'll talk to you after lunch"

"Wait Rick, Rick!" Ricky called out in slight panic "I-I'm not comfortable in bondage!"

"Is it supposed to be?" Morty asked.

"Not THAT kind of comfortable,

"Oh…"

With that thought hung in the air, the teens both aimlessly wandered the sex dungeon, looking for someway to blend in. It was difficult, considering everything in there either looked like a giant pile flesh or some other body part. Either way, it didn't look human.

"Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. I'm sorry. No, no. No, thanks! Ooh, wow! No, I'm okay" Morty called out again and again as he repeatedly bumped into thing fate thing over and over again. Then he bumped into something a bit harder. And hairy.

Then Morty whipped his head around.

"Whoa! Summer?!" Morty shouted in surprise.

Summer then clean slid down her silver pole, all wrapped up in a little pink stripper suit. Morty probably saw a lot of things he hasn't seen on a real woman yet.

"Hey there, stranger," she said seductively "What do you think of _these_ things?"

Morty cringed and shielded his eyes from the horror of dream Summer's bouncing boobs, shoved right in his face. In an instant, he jumped back in horror and tried tips wipe his eyes clean of the terror.

"Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!" Morty cried. Then of course, Ricky slowly came up, with that dashing smile of his.

"Hey there, sweet heart," Ricky said ever so smoothly "You look lost"

"You know, I get really lost in the bedroom," Summer said in her smooth as apple butter voice, scooting closer to Ricky "I could use a guide"

"I'll make it a trip you'll never forget" He responded with a dashing smile that Rick could only pull off in his youth.

"No! No!" Morty cried further "You're-You're-Gross!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Rick suddenly scooted back in, all finest leather and chains the pleasure chamber had to offer "What's the matter with you, Morty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here"

"It's Summer! And Ricky!" Morty yells, pointing to the giggling Summer with Ricky's hand wrapped around her waist.

"Whoa, get your eager hands off our granddaughter Houdini" Rick ya kid them apart, causing Ricky to sigh in disappointment "Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams of the people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister"

"Can you blame him?" Summer suddenly popped up between them, and squeezed them closer through a pervy hug "Come on, old man, little boy, older boy. Let's make an inter-generational sandwich"

"Oh, with pleasure" Ricky said with a shit-eating smile.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God!" Rick shoved himself away "Put some clothes on, for Pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!"

"I can't take it, Rick!" Morty cried, as he began to curl himself up in a ball to escape that reality. At least, until the centar came wielding an axe

"Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!" The buff, tall centar called out, raising his axe in the air "Off with their heads!"

With that, he slammed his axe into the ground, missing the three by only inches

"Time to go another dream deep, Ricky, Morty!" Rick yelled. In an is at, he climbed up the center and rammed yet another device into his ear.

The three suddenly appeared in a dark, sticky factory, with dimly lit lights, and long hallways that lead to absolutely nowhere. It certainly had that uncomfortable, scary vibe, considering the center was cowering in fear.

"What the hell?" Ricky furrowed his brow

"Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick?" Morty asked.

"Geez, I don't know, Morty," Rick rolled his eyes "Wha-what do you want from me?"

"Welcome to your nightmare, bitch!"

Completely out of nowhere, a wrinkly, dark pink head burst out of the pipe. With a menacing smile, he widened his slit yellow eyes and rammed his sword fingers out of the same pipe. Then he leapt out and darted towards the three.

"Holy CRAP!" Morty and Rick cried as they ran for their life.

"Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror character with miniature swords for fingers instead of knives" Rick pointed out as he banked a turn

"I'm scary Terry," The wrinkly creature proclaimed "You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!"

"'A,' 'b' his name is scary Terry 'C,' 'd' he's very scary" A random voice erriely chimed in

"Holy crap!" Rick shouted "We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Morty!"

"Again?!" Ricky yelled back.

"Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!" Morty cried again

"'E,' 'f' he'll design your death"

The tree raced around yet another corner, only to see a random little girl playfully using her jump rope with a dead expression on her face.

"The little girl!" Rick pointed aggressively.

"Huh?"

"'J,' 'k,' he'll really ruin your day-' he was cut off wby a flying fist at her face. In an instant, Rick crammed the device in her ear, taking them another dream deep. Or, at least he thought

"Are you kidding me?" Ricky groaned, seeing the same exact dream as before, metal, darkness and all "This again?"

"Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty, Ricky" Rick sighed in disappointment

"Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good…" Morty anxiously trailed off.

Suddenly, Scary Terry popped out from behind them, causing a round of screams to fill his ear holes "Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!"

"Ohhhh!"Morty yelled as he ran for life life once more.

"Holy crap, Morty. He can travel through dreams!" Rick screamed in fear "He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!"

After another round of screaming, yelling, and pissing in someones pants, the three finally reached the outside world, which consisted of a dank orange sky and run down buildings. It looked more like a budget filmtown than anything else. Nonetheless, they finally found a relatively, run down car to hide in.

"What are we here for again?" Rick asked oblivious as he attempted to start the car "Incepting?"

"To get him a fucking A in math, Rick!" Ricky shouted, crossing his arms tightly.

"Y-Yeah" Morty reluctantly agreed

"Oh, yeah"

The of course, Scary Terry popped up in the back seat, right next to Ricky.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ricky screamed at the top of his lungs.

"BUCKLE UP, BITCH!" Scary Terry yelled. As the three ran like hell outside the car, escaping the knock off movie villain by a thread.

"Man, he sure says "bitch" a lot!" Morty said

"You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!"

"Hold on, Morty," Rick skidded safely to a stop right in back of another run down building "Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we can hide. I say we try hiding"

"But that's the opposite of what-" Ricky was about to say

"Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?" Rick rolled his eyes.

"...You got a really good point there, Rick" Ricky realized

"Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? I-I-I think it's a good idea, Rick" Morty agreed.

"Worst-case scenario we're back to running"

* * *

 _6 Hours Later..._

The three carefully peaked out of the rundown building, eyeing Scary Terry as he searched around for his prey.

"Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking" Morty complimented.

Rick nodded "Thanks, Morty. Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while"

"You can run…But you can't hide!" Scary Terry suddenly yanked open the trash bin, only to see nothing. With a disappointed groan, he yawned.

"Oh, this is perfect, Morty. Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move" Rick said.

It was only a couple of hours later that Scary Terry dragged himself to bed next to his wife. Although it seemed creepy that the three watched him fall asleep right in his room, no one was capable of caring anymore.

"Looks like scary Terry's having a nightmare" Rick pointed out, As Scary Terry twisted and turned in bed with a sour look on his face.

"Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know...scare Scary Terry…" Morty trailed off, as a dozen nightmares went through his mind. Instead of actually comforting his grandson, Rick shrugged, and carried all of them into another dream further. Morty expected horror, terror, and fear. He sort of got that…high school was that kind of place.

"Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch!" A noticeably younger Scary Terry shouted, slamming his locker shut. Then of course, he looked down, missing a pair of pants "Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!"

He ran in fear, as a couple of sword finger girls giggled at him. Before Morty could make another comment, Rick grabbed onto his arm and followed Scary Terry in to a classroom. In an is at, the equally off teacher began his lesson, as though he didn't see the three awfully pale idiots. Two idiots, at least.

"Ah, well, Mr. Terry," The instructor began, as he set down his sword fingers on his desk "why don't you tell the whole class the proper wordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch?"

"Oh...um...bitch" Scary Terry anxiously said, earning a round of laughs in response.

The teacher scoffed "Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?"

"Hey, leave him alone!" Morty suddenly cried, leaping out of the desk.

"Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap" Ricky said as he gave the instructor a seething glare.

"Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone?" Rick pointed out "Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?"

"Well, I never!" The monster of a teacher exclaimed, as his face blushed as bright as a...plum. With a puckered lip, he began his trek outside the class "I-I see no reason to stand here and take this"

With a loose grin, Rick put his hand on Scary Terry's shoulder "You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry"

"Yeah, Y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, totally" Ricky agreed with a hesitant smile, as though looking at Scary Terry burned his eyes out.

"Hey, yo, scary T., don't even trip about your pants...dawg," Morty said in a cringy, hipster sort of way, before he rolled out a pair of pants "Here's a pair on us, fool"

"Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say" Scary Terry said, as he took the pair of pants willingly.

"You don't need to say anything" Rick responded.

"We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip" Morty replied, as he made odd hand gestures, like he just joined a gang.

With a yawn, Scary Terry slowly opened his eyes, disappeared from the dream of his classroom. With a few blinks, his vision became clear, revealing the three smiling back at him

Scary Terry proper himself up against the headboard "Oh, hey, it's you guys!"

It was only minutes later that the three were invited to breakfast, eating something that actually seemed normal, considering the family were knock of horror villains. Yet, they ate along with Scary Terry's wife and child.

"I haven't seen him this relaxed in years" His wife said, as she set down a plate for Rick and his younger counterpart.

"If you guys ever need anything, just say the word" Scary Terry assured, as he took in a mouthful of what seemed like eggs. It was only a matter of time the three looked at each other and grinned loosely.

"As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with"

* * *

Night fell on the flying hovercraft as it zoomed through the air. It seemed like it was only moments ago they finally escaped Goldenfold's dreams, earning Morty a NOT well deserved A. There was no point in arguing with Rick however. He was as firm as a brick at this point. So, they calmly flew back, waiting to get home. Or, at least until they actually got home.

"What the hell?" Ricky blinked in confusion. He could hardly comprehend what he saw seeing. It was either robots, or fofs waking back and forth inside their house, like they were preparing for the apocalypse.

"Out of the frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Ricky?" Ricky trailed off, watching in interest of the carnage of the dog army.

"Oh, man, what's going on?" Morty asked in fear.

"Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty" Rick shrugged.

"Who's dumbass idea was it to give dogs intelligence?" Ricky scoffed with a raised brow. He looked at Rick, knowing they both had the same thought.

"Jerry"

He carefully parked the flying car near a bush, before he kicked Morty and Ricky out into a bush. He dived into the same bush, and peaked out, only to see the rest of his family tied up like, well, dogs.

"Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer" Rick hissed, earning a round of relieved smiles.

"Dad!" Beth sighed in relief.

"Ricky!" Summer cried, causing Ricky to blush ever so lightly.

It was only seconds later Rick ripped them from their collars. With a relieved sigh, Beth embraced her son.

"Oh, thank God, Morty" Beth mumbled.

"Oh, you're welcome" Rick responded, before burning Jerry off his collar.

"All right, let's get out of here," Ricky said, as he already began to walk "If we hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere," Jerry held up his hands, causing Ricky to raise his brow "This is my house. I'm not abandoning it"

"Are you an idiot Jerry?" Ricky growled, causing Jerry to step back in defense "We're-We're dead meat to the dogs. They're the Soviet Union, and we're the Americans, and-and they gonna bomb us to hell. Wait, are we still in the Cold War Rick?"

Rick simply ignored that last part "Yep, it's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?"

Jerry's eyes suddenly lit up "Wait a minute. I have an idea"

Rick and Ricky looked at each other as Jerry waltzed into the house, filled with dogs, ready to cut off his delicate manly parts.

"Gentlemen, a moment of your time," Jerry said as confidently as a man could when he pulled down his pants. Then, he proceeded to piss all over the boxes and boxes of guns "See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them"

Snuffles walked up in his big, robotic suit, before he rammed Jerry's face into his own pile of steaming pee "Bad person. Bad"

"Ooh, great plan, Jerry…" Rick sarcastically said, rolling his eyes.

"We're screwed…" Ricky mumbled, before he face planted into his palm.

It was only seconds later the fellow intelligent dogs lined them all up into a neat, straight row, right in front of the white, furry overlord. Sitting in his throne, he flicked his robotic hand demanding towards him.

"Bring the boy to me," He commanded, causing Morty to walk up "You were always kind to me, Morty. That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side"

"Th-thanks, snuffles" Morty said. With his balls, safe, he proceeded to sit on the dog bed, specially put for him.

"Begin phase two"

* * *

" _Fighting continues as the dog army captures the eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time... that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end"_ The news anchor read her final words loud and clear, before a swarm of dogs grabbed her. Fear filled her eyes as the killer dogs wrapped a muffler around her mouth " _Please! Please don't kill me!"_

" _What's she saying, Bill?"_ The Pincher asked.

 _"I think she's saying, "I love lasagna.""_ The Saint Bernard replied.

Before more screams could fill the small, dank sewer, Ricky clicked the dinky little Television off, and curled himself up into a ball. His clothes were all worn and torn, obvious that more than a few dogs tried to bite his head off, some literally. His flowing, blue hair was well beyond his shoulders, ready for a haircut. Tied around his forehead with nothing more than a piece of Rick's old lab coat.

With his wide eyes, he grabbed a pencil and a turn journal and began writing about his day.

 _Dear Journal,_

 _It's been a year since the dogs took over the city. Now they've completely taken over the world._

 _It's been a couple of months since Rick died. That fucktard thought it was a good idea to explore his lab to search for his portal gun. He praised that idea until the dogs chopped him to pieces. I don't know where the rest of the family is, or Morty. I'm sure Snowball is keeping him safe, considering Morty loved that little fluffy ball of evil and destruction._

 _Rations are getting low. They ran out months ago, but we've survived on dog, but we can't do that forever. They're getting stronger by every waking minute. We would have lasted another few weeks on our rations if that fat ass Toby would stop stuffing his face._

Ricky briefly glared to a reasonably fat, pale man, who was in fact, pleasantly eating the leg of a Doberman.

 _If things keep like this, I'm thinking I'll eat Toby first. It'll be tough, since his ass will be a tight squeeze in the oven. I'm sure there's a few cook books lying around..._

 _P.S. The dogs haven't taken my testacles yet._

"What the hell happened to you Grizzly Adams?"

Ricky blinked in shock. He couldn't have heard right. It must have been his imagination. Yet, when he looked up, his thoughts were completely right.

He jumped up, causing his journal and pencil to leap out of his hand "What the hell? Rick?!"

"Yeah, yeah," Rick shrugged, like it was nothing "Listen, do you-you-you got a *burp* a beer laying around here or something"

"Where the hell where you?! It's been fucking months! I saw you die!" Ricky exclaimed, pointing to the his makeshift bandana.

"I'll explain on the way," Rick said, as he grabbed his younger self's arm "L-Long story short, were in Morty's dog's dream Ricky.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," He yanked himself away "This is all a dream?"

"Yeah, stupid inception stuff"

Ricky grinned ever so brightly, before he grabbed the gun off the shelf and went over to the fat ass pale guy who was still licking his chops.

"Screw you and your appetite Toby!" Ricky exclaimed, before he blasted Toby's brains onto the wall. With that, he set the gun back onto the table, and hummed pleasantly as he walked away.

Rick shrugged, and followed behind, leaving Toby's brains on the wall.

It wasn't long before the two snuck into the palace and found Morty. Sure, a few dead dogs were left behind them on their path to rescue Morty, but neither didn't care at all. All that was on Ricky's mind was home. He wasn't sure about Rick.

Sure enough, when the turned the corner,my hey saw Morty practically being groomed by two woman, wearing nothing but his boxers. His eyes widened right as his eyes laid upon Rick and his younger self

"Rick! Ricky!" Morty exclaimed "I thought you were both dead!"

"It's a long story" Ricky shrugged with a half-lidded expression.

"What happened to you?"

"I was fighting for my life, that's what"

"No, no, no, I was just playing dead," Rick shook his head "Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon"

"What?" Morty blinked.

"It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream," Rick explained "The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream"

"But I-it's been like a whole year!"

"It's been six hours, Morty" Ricky corrected "Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time"

"So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie," Rick used air quotes and rolled his eyes.

"Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants" Morty said in hope.

"No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty," Rick shook his head "You're sleeping in your crap right now"

"Oh..." Morty trailed off, causing the woman who surrounded him to cringe and fling themselves off the bed.

"Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants"

"Oohhhh"

"I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth"

"Aw, man, geez! Seriously?"

"Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Morty," Rick shook his head, and pulled out a pile of colorful pills from his coat pocket "Here, here take these, Morty. Take these"

Morty took the pile from his hands and tossed it into his mouth "Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?"

"Close, It's gonna make your kidneys shut down"

"What?!" Morty shouted in absolute horror "Ricky?!"

"Hey, I've been in a sewer living on dog parts for the last year," Ricky snapped, narrowing his eyes "I've-I've had nightmares about my fucking testackes being chopped off. No man in their life should have to worry about their balls being taken from them. This is a walk in the park, Morty"

"It's necessary for the plan, Morty,"Rick assured "Don't even trip, dawg"

Sure enough, Morty began to wither away like a weed drenched in weed killer. The dogs hooked him up to multiple machines, as though that would save his life. However, Snowball looked over his dying human companion like he was going to finally die off.

"It's pretty bad, emperor snowball," Ricky said in dog costume, ears, nose and all.

"We're gonna need to do another operation" Rick said, as he set aside his clipboard.

"Anything. Anything for my precious Morty" Snowball desperately said, looking lovingly to Morty.

"Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy," The Beagle next to him warned "You could lose your kingdom"

"To hell with my kingdom, bean counter! I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness"

"Do you think they would have done this for us?"

"We are not them!" Snowball snapped. Suddenly, his expression softened, as he looked as his dying human once more

"We are not...them"

* * *

Morning finally grew over the small city, spelling the end of the giant invasion of the dogs. Snowball pleasantly stood in his suit above a line of dogs, who began to walk through a giant, swirling portal into another world.

"Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty," Snowball explained "Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs, one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory"

"I'm gonna miss you, Snowball" Morty anxiously said.

"You can call me Snuffles, Morty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much" Morty widened his eyes as Snowball gave him a long, warm hug. When he let go, he gave one last heart wave before he disappeared into the portal. In a snap, the green, swirling portal vanished from the world.

Beth could help but hear the snorts and weeping from one particular person "Jerry?"

"I'm sorry," Jerry breathed through his tears It's just like the end of Old Yeller"

With a weak, nearly pitiful smile, she embraced her husband "Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it"

"Wow! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs," Morty trailed off "I wonder what it'll be like, Rick"

"I think it will be great, Morty" Ricky replied.

"You know... it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages," Rick thought "I mean, I'd watch it, Morty, for at least 11 minutes a pop. You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven"

"You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick"

"What do you know, Morty? What do you know?"

"I'm going home Rick, Morty. I'm getting myself a big glass of something after going through all this shit this day"

* * *

 **So, uh, sorry for not posting in so long. My life has been pretty busy since the last chapter, so, please forgive my absence. Since I'm not as busy anymore, hopefully we'll see chapters sooner!**

 **Other than that...hope you enjoyed! Reviews are appreciated!**

 **\- X-Xepher-X**


	4. Anatomy Park

"We're looking for who?"

Ricky raised his brow in utter confusion of the words that spilled out of Rick's mouth. Hell, he didn't even know why he was outside searching for a random guy on Christmas. One minute he was taking it nice and easy with Summer (meaning Ricky was staring at her like a love sick teen from the kitchen), the next, Rick was dragging him outside. So, the two simply searched the empty streets of the city, looking for the guy he didn't have a clue of his name.

"We're-we're looking for a guy called Reuben, Ricky" Rick explained, as he took a quick peek into the alley.

"Reuben?"

"Yeah, like that sandwich Jerry can't shut up about," Rick bluntly said "I-I-I give him a medical evaluation every year, per se"

Ricky scoffed "What, you store drugs in him or something?"

"What-what kind of monster do you think I am Ricky? If-if I wanted to that, I'd zip up some cocaine in a tiny, white dog. That shits foolproof"

Ricky paused in thought, automatically thinking of a tiny, white dog that belonged to the Smith's "Wait...did you stuff drugs in Snuffles or whatever the hell that dog wants to be called?"

"Uh...Stop asking questions Ricky" Rick cut off. With their conversation over, Ricky moved up just a little faster. Ricky was about to open his mouth to protest, but it was too late. Way too late.

Right as he was about to blather on about white dogs and cocaine, Rick pulled a rough looking guy from a wide on an alley. Ricky widened his eyes in shock at the man, who wore what seemed to be last year's Santa costume. He stunk like what seemed to be the mixture of a man drenched in sweat and mold left to fester for months. With utterly stupid eyes that both looked opposite of eachother, it was obvious he had seen better days.

"So, yeah, this is Reuben" Rick said as he laid his hands on the homeless man's shoulders.

Reuben burped "Vietnam"

Ricky' eyes widened in realization "Reuben?! You mean, Reuben Ridley?!"

"What *burp* what about it?"

"Don't you remember this guy Rick?!" Ricky exclaimed "It's Mr. Ridley! He was the cafeteria guy in middle school! He used to pop out his glass eye in stick it in the mashed potatoes! He got fired because he was a pedophile! He slept with that track coach and her daughter!"

"D-Day"

Rick shrugged "Now he's living on the streets"

"Does he still bone for kids?" Rick asked, realizing his past. With that, he took a careful step back.

"I'm pretty sure"

"Oh..."

"Like, I really sure"

"OH..."

"I'm about 90.08% sure he still stalks kids"

"Um..."

"I'm taking him straight to the-the-the garage"

"Great idea "

With the oblivious potential podeophile still in hand, they dragged him aimlessly through the streets and the neighborhood, far away for any elementary schools or middle schools. Although, they did pass a bible school...

It was long before Rick ripped the door open. With a grin on his face, he tugged at Ruben's sleeve, prompting the smelly old man inside the house.

"A-ho, ho, ho, everybody" Rick waved with a grin, as he shut the door behind himself. Almost immediately, Reuben's awful stench filled the apple cinnamon scented home.

"More like 'whoa, whoa, whoa'," Jerry widened his eyes at shock at the homeless dude "What is this? My parents are coming!"

"Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend" Rick explained.

"I-I wouldn't say fri-" Ricky was interrupted with an elbow to the ribs.

"Pearl Harbor"

"I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation"

"Aww! Dad, that is so sweet!" Beth replied in a happy tone.

"Yeah, it is..." Jerry replied ever so suspiciously "I don't get it"

"Korea" Reuben blurted out.

"Don't worry about your Christmas, Jerry," Rick assured, as he grabbed onto Reuben once more "I'll be with Reuben and Ricky in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise"

Ricky followed closely behind as Rick dragged the oblivious pedophile into the garage. Shutting the door quickly, Rick ripped of Rueben's mold covered Santa shirt, and his pants.

"Rick-Ricky, help me get Rueben up here" Rick commanded, as he dug in hands into Rueben's hairy chest. Ricky reluctantly nodded and hoisted the homeless dude up onto the metal table. Satisfied, Rick hooked him up to his computer.

"You-you-you ok Rueben?" Rick asked as he typed away at his computer.

"Afghanistan"

"Grea-uh oh"

The thin, green line that raced across the computer began to jump sporadically, prompting a loud, shrinking beep.

"Wha-what the hell happened Rick?!" Ricky yelled in panic, as Reuben began to twitch about the metal table.

"He's in distress, Ricky" he replied calmly.

"What?!"

"W-w-what did you expect? Reuben's not exactly the Michael Phelps of homeless men's health. He's got a few problems"

"Well that's obvious!"

"Give-give me a second Ricky" Rick said as he jumped up the the door.

"What do I do?!" Ricky yelled. It certainly didn't help his nerves the heart rate monitor looked like crappy art more than an actual heartbeat.

"Just wait" With that, Rick shut the door, leaving the highly inexperienced Ricky alone with what seemed like a dying man. He could only watched as the man twitched and coughed like a dying bug on a windshield. Or like Morty when that seed dissolved in his butt.

He nearly breathed a sigh of relief when Rick burst through the door, with Morty tight in his grip. Rick immediately ran back to the computer, and typed away once more.

"He's in bad shape, Morty" Rick said to Morty.

"Oh. Hi Morty" Ricky said with a slight wave. However, he was completely ignored. Instead, Morty set his sights on the twitching pedophile that was Reuben.

"Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?" Morty cried out.

"Gee, thanks, Morty. What kind of monster do you think I am?" Rick defended as he grabbed a fish bowl looking helmet and stuffed Ricky's head into it "I'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you and Ricky to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on"

"Dr. Bloom?" Ricky asked questionably.

"Uh, where where do I find Dr. Bloom?" Morty asked as Rick rammed the helmet on his head.

"In Reuben" Rick replied.

"Reuben, Minnesota?" Morty asked, as Rick rummaged through the garage for his tool

"Reuben...on the table," Ricky finally realized. Suddenly, he face planted in his hand "Oh my god we're going inside Reuben"

"Look, I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything," Rick shoved the two onto a little platform, and passed a button "Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse"

"What proc-"

Morty screamed as he shrunk further and further down, until he and Ricky were nothing more than specks on the platform. Rick immediately scooped then up and dropped them into a thick, pink substance on a gun. With that, Rick rammed the gun far into the dying Reuben's chest, and released the pink liquid into his body.

Morty and Rick screamed as they were shot down, like a pink waterfall that left them on land. They crashed into a pulsating, dark red sheet of thick skin, that only seemed to pulsatate a bit more as they landed.

"Morty, Ricky can you hear me?" Rick's voice suddenly filled their ears as they swept the thick liquid off their bodies.

"Yeah..." Ricky replied doubtfully, as he carefully pressed his hand into the thick, sweaty tissue that was Reuben's heart.

"Head north" He commanded.

"Rick, where are we?" Morty asked. He carefully glanced around the thick roof of tissue that surrounded them. Even as they followed Rick's command, the sights didn't change. Probably a bit more claustrophobic, but nothing else.

"Depending on my aim, you should be just South of the entrance"

"Entrance to what?" Morty questioned.

Right as they turned the corner, they were greeted by a large, open area. Filled with blood fountains, seats that looked like kidneys, and various attractions, it looked like a kid's dream. Well, an older kids dream. Maybe even psychotic.

"Welcome, Ricky Morty. Welcome...to Anatomy Park!" Rick proudly introduced, as the two looked in complete awe "It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom an amusement park inside a human body"

"Whoa..." Rick widened his eyes in utter shock "How the hell did you build all of this?"

"Science isn't cheap, Ricky. This should really help put a dent in the overhead" Rick explained.

"Oh, my God! This is insane!" Morty yelled in surprise, as he carefully strolled down "Spleen Mountain? Bladder falls? Pirates of the Pancreas?"

"You got a problem with that last one, Morty?" Rick snapped "Huh?"

"No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em"

"Okay. Alright. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because...Pirates of the Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it"

"Isn't that just a rip off of Pirates of the Caribbean?" Ricky pointed out.

"Aren't you just a rip off of me Ricky?" Rick hissed back "Huh? HUH?"

"Whoa, whoa, just asking you old fart" Ricky raised his hands in defense.

"You wanna go bitch?!" Rick yelled into the microphone, taking over Morty's and Ricky's young ears.

"Alright, alright I'm sorry, jeez"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. You little shit..." Rick hissed "...I'm still a little defensive. Let's just find Dr. Bloom, all right?"

Ricky quickly nodded.

Right as the two arrived at a array of signs, Rick's voice ran in again "I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Morty. Proceed to the liver"

Morty and Ricky hopped on the nearest train, and flew through the wonders of Anatomy park. Everything from a questionable food court, to the rest of Pirates of the Pancreas passed right through their eyes. Right as the train halted to a stop, Morty slammed his face into the glass beside him. With a sigh, Ricky peeled him off and dragged him into the liver.

And how he wanted to stay in the train for eternity.

"It's really scary in here, Rick..." Morty anxiously said.

Scary was an understatement. It was dark and dripping random fluids from every direction. A little sign that utter the name of the attraction was titled to the side, rusted and falling apart. To top it all off, the haunted house itself was decrepit, ready to fall into itself. Not because of its aesthetic, but because it had a few health health code violations.

"The liver's under maintenance," Rick explained "Reuben's seen some rough years, Morty. Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great"

"Fair enough..." Ricky trailed off. It was long before the two stepped inside the dark, dank little attraction. Right as Morty stepped inside, a gut wrenching scream ripped through the building, shaking its foundation. Suddenly, a monster leapt from the broken floors and growled deeply.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ricky shrieked high to the heavens.

"Rick!" Morty cried "It's a monster!"

In panic, Ricky ripped off a shard of thick wood from the floor and proceeded to beat the living crap out of the monster.

"No, no, no, Morty. The only monster here is alco...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf" Rick said.

"Oh..." Ricky trailed off. By the time he sent splinters through his fingers and tossed the piece of wood away, the werewolf was nothing more that scrap metal. And perhaps a furry head.

"Who are you?!"

A giant, dark skinned muscular dude leapt from the dark depths of the Haunted mansion and charged Morty. With a growl, he gripped onto the teen's neck like a sausage and squeezed it.

"Answer me!" The scary dude commanded "Where'd you come from?"

"Morty!" Ricky yelled. He slammed the longs hard of wood over and over again in the scary dude, in hopes of freeing Morty. However, even with thick splinters embedded in his skin, he failed to react in the slightest.

"My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me!" Morty managed to spit out.

"Poncho! That's quite enough"

Poncho let go of his prey, letting Morty fall to the ground and gasp for air like a fish out of water. He eventually a managed to get his breath back, and stand up on his own two feet.

"What was that?!" Ricky shouted in shock "What the hell can a kid do to you?!"

"We can't be too sure about...others around here" The clear blue, gel-like man walked forward with his cane "Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. And you must be?"

"Ricky. I'm related to Rick in a way" He replied suspiciously, as the rest of the crew members waved. Dr. Bloom nodded, before he lead everyone back outside into the dark, dank liver.

"Hey, Bloom, it's Rick," Rick's voice filled the empty room "What the hell's going on here?"

"I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid..." Dr. Bloom sighed "The exhibits are unlocked"

"Exhibits?" Morty questioned.

"Anatomy park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the pancreas" The doctor practically whispered the last part.

"Watch it..." Rick growled.

"It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases"

"Diseases?" Ricky asked.

"Hey, doc, I got news for you..." Poncho trailed off, as he carefully grabbed his assault rifle from his backpack "Your living museum is officially a wild safari!"

Suddenly, a large orange monster jumped on top of the haunted mansion and roared with all its might. With a snarl, it let its juices secreted from its mouth.

"Hepatitis A!" Dr. Bloom warned "Run!"

"Aah!" Morty cried, as he ran for dear life. They all ran to a large, metal door and closed it firmly right behind themselves. Right as the door slammed shut, the monster let out a gut wrenching roar, and slammed its body into metal door. Almost immediately, large dents popped in.

"Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system" Dr. Bloom painted. Everyone gave a tired nod and followed the doctor, until they reached yet another gate.

"That's strange," Roger lightly tapped the air gauge "Airflow is down 20%"

"So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline..." Dr. Bloom trailed off in thought.

"Well, I guess we better check it out" Morty said anxiously.

They all stepped into a tall, humid room filled with pink little sacks. The sacks expanded and retracted at will, like little balloons.

"Hey! Wait for me!" A voice cried. Suddenly, a man dressed in a dog costume leapt into the lungs, holding his dig head tight in his arms.

"Put that back on!" Dr. Bloom harshly commanded, earning a groan from the worker. Satisfied, he turned his attention back to the mystery of the lungs "If we got up to the bronchial catwalk, we could look for a blockage"

"I'll go" Morty bravely stepped up, and began to climb up the growing pink sacks.

"Don't be a hero, kid" Poncho said gruffly.

"Yeah, I don't want to bring back just your head to Rick" Ricky agreed.

"I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun" Morty replied.

"A lot of fun things are stupid, Morty"

"Thanks, mom"

"Uh..."

As Morty climbed higher and higher up, Poncho couldn't help but feel a bit more tense. So much even, he lifted his gun in defense "We shouldn't be here"

"Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here!" Dr. Bloom snapped, using his cane to bring down his gun "We must save Reuben. This is my life's work"

A little gasp filled his ears-wait-ear holes, causing him to snap what would be his neck to the sacks that were the lungs. There, he saw the blond haired Annie gasping as she stared at a green sack filled with what seemed to be a slimy monster.

"It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain of these bacteria, but the scar tissue keeps them..." He stabbed his cane into the tissue, only to notice the bubble was nothing more than a flap. A deadly flap "...Dormant"

Ricky widened his eyes "Morty, get your ass down here!"

Morty glanced up and screamed for his life. Slimy, tentacled listers hissed and screeched as they pulled themselves further and further down, waiting for their prey. In this case, humans.

"Whoa-ho-ho!" Morty cried, causing him to let go of his grip. Like a rag doll, he crashed into each pink sack, until he slammed into the ground "Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things?"

"Tuberculosis coming in fast!" Roger yelled, backing up for safety. At least until Poncho cocked his gun.

"Not faster than a bullet!" In an instant, Poncho let out a thick wave of bullets, piercing everything in sight "AAAAHHHH!"

The bullets ripped through the monsters and air sacks alike, spewing guts and liquid everywhere. Unfortunately, it was at this time Dr. Bloom knew that he fucked up. Real hard.

"No!" Dr. Bloom exclaimed in terror "Do you know what you've done?!"

Suddenly, a large gust of air ripped through the lungs, living everyone up in the air.

"Whoa!" Morty yelled, as he slammed back into the ground.

"Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!" Dr. Bloom warned. It wasn't long before he and the rest of his team ran for their lives. Right as Reuben took another deep breath, Morty clung onto the metal railing and held on for dear life. In an instant, he caught the man in the dog costume.

"Don't let me die!" The walker cried, as he hung onto Morty as tightly as his paws could.

"You're not gonna die!" Morty yelled through the thick, humid wind "What's your name?"

"My name is...Alexand-"

"Fuck him, lets go Morty!" Ricky cut through his voice like a sharp knife. Suddenly, Ricky clamped onto Morty's arm, and yanked him back into safety.

"Are-are you insane?!" Morty shouted.

Before he could do a thing, the dog costume man was sucked away, leaving nothing but bits and pieces of what used to be his fleshy face. Ricky groaned as he yanked the teen out of the lungs, causing them to tumble across the ground. As they fled the lungs, a metal gate slammed softly behind them.

"What the hell Ricky?!" Morty yelled, rubbing his head in pain "How-how-how could you do that?!"

Ricky sighed and brushed dust of his jean jacket "Look kid, if that guy is prancing around in a dog costume in a drunk pedophile's body who's only words are Korea, Vietnam, etc., it's obvious he's got nothing to lose"

"But-but-but-"

"Nothing. To. Lose. Let's go home"

Morty went quiet.

"Hey Rick, we got a problem," Ricky called through the microphone "Reuben's got tuberculosis"

"Oh, great work, Ricky," Rick said, his voice dripping with sarcasm "Okay, I'll just cure it and then-"

Suddenly, a large, stagnant beep through the com's.

"...Okay. Well, I can't cure death," Rick mustered up "This is bad, Morty, Ricky. You're trapped in a dead man"

"What?!" Morty cried.

"Listen, if the situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by pirates of the pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of Pirates running around a Pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Morty. I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out of there, but I'm just saying, if that becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself"

With his final words, his voice bleeped out, leaving them standard inside a rotting corpse. The only thing Rick could do was to face plant into his palm. Or rather, let his glass helmet smack his hand.

"I'm going to die in the guy who fucked over and up kids..."

* * *

With nothing else to do, the crew made it to the food court. Although the power was out, and Reuben went kicking the bucket, Annie managed to cook up a few churros on excess power. For a last meal, it wasn't too bad for Ricky. It could have been much worse. It would have helped the food courts didn't stink of rotting eggs and stale farts.

"Oh, man..." Morty trailed off, holding his nose "What is that horrible smell?"

"You mean the Panda Express?" Dr. Bloom chuckled, even if he didn't earn a laugh or two in return "Kidding. I-I'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy. Anatomy park is doomed"

Ricky sighed and stuffed the last churro in his mouth "Hey Annie, can you be a sweetheart and cook up another one of these?"

Annie blushed, flustered "Uh..."

"Forget about the park, doctor!" Roger yelled "How do we get out?"

"The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it?" Dr. Bloom paused, waiting for a chuckle. He got back silence "There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all"

Morty stopped his hand and began to run "Everybody, head for the colon!"

"Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?" Poncho growled. Even with his bad attitude, he followed the boy behind.

As Ricky aimlessly followed his grandson, Dr. Bloom slowly his way closer and closer to Ricky, until they nearly touched shoulders.

"Ricky, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged," Dr. Bloom whispered into his ear.

"Huh?"

"This disaster was an inside job," he eyed Annie "Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the churro stand"

"Oh..." Ricky couldn't help but clench his stomach in panic "I had six of those things..."

"I wouldn't worry too much. I think..." With that last little nugget of information, Dr. Bloom walked off, leaving Ricky in panic.

"Wait! I, uh, should, uh..." Ricky tried to muster up, but only nonsense escaped his lips.

"You should be worried" Rick suddenly chimed in.

"I hope to god there's still Pepto Bismol in the house..." Ricky anxiously thought aloud.

It wasn't long before they reached the small intestines. They all trodded through a brilliant door way of thin fresh, revealing a thick, slimy green river of goo and food. Even with that, they all slid into the canoe, and floated away. As they paddled to safety, a certain song ran in their ears.

 _It's a road of wonder, a trail of food,_

 _it's a pathway to break up the bad and good,_

 _it's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest,_

 _it's a small, small intestine_

"I swear this is just a rip of of Disneyland..." Ricky muttered under his breath, as he paddled.

"It goes on like this for miles" Roger groaned.

"Then we get to the large intestine!" Dr. Bloom squealed like a schoolgirl.

Suddenly, a deep growl ripped through the quaint little river that was the small intestine.

"Shh!" Poncho hissed, before he flicked his flashlight "I hear something"

The river rumbled beneath them, like a small earthquake. With a giant, terrifying roar, a bright green monster erupted from the slime, baring its sharp, long fangs.

"Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move," Dr. Bloom whispered. Then of course, a realization hit him "Wait, I was wrong. I was thinking of a T. Rex"

"Move!" Poncho screamed. Before he could even lay a finger on his assault rifle, the onside roared and sent it hands down into the river. The force created a wave that tipped over the boat and made its occupants swim in the green goo that was the river. They didn't care what sat on them, they all simply swam to dry land, or in this case, the cleanest part of the intestine.

"We're sitting ducks!" Annie screamed, as Roger pulled her up.

"Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas?" Morty asked questionably, as the monster searched for its prey.

"Yes. Why?" Dr. Bloom asked.

"Kid, you're a genius!" Poncho yelled. He immediately pulled a match from his boot and crept closer to the monster

"Are you mad?!" He exclaimed back.m

"Everybody, in here!" Ricky shouted, waving his hands towards a little crevasse. In an instant, everyone dove for cover, waiting for Poncho to destroy the beast.

"Hey, gonorrhea!" Poncho quickly flicked the match on the edge of his boot, creating a tiny, billowing flame "How's this for a burning sensation?"

He chucked the tiny match at the monster. Right as the flames curled around its body, it exploded in a cloud of giant flames, consuming it whole. The team however, didn't bother to look at the aftermath. They simple ran and ran until they reached the large intestine.

They all bolted in, revealing a thick, metal gate and a small computer in front of it. The metal gate slowly creaked, as though something heavy was pushing dangerously against it.

"I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online," Roger explained, as he typed away "If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery"

"He isn't, don't worry" Ricky assured. Just then, a louder creak escaped the metal dam causing it to round itself out.

"What the hell is that?" Morty asked anxiously.

"The sphincter dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load" Dr. Bloom replied, as the dam creaked dangerously again. Suddenly, a loud beep escaped the computer.

"I've almost got it..." Roger mumbled "Everybody, move inside the circle"

Almost on command, the group shuffled to the circle. As Morty stepped on, he couldn't help but notice a few little shiny eyes staring back at him, out of Poncho's backpack. His eyes widened in terror as a few tentacles reputed from the pocket, revealing a small creature with sharp teeth.

"Poncho? What is this in your backpack?" Morty anxiously replied. Dr. Bloom twisted his gel-like head around, causing him to gasp on site.

"That's bubonic plague!" Dr. Bloom cried in shock, lifting his cane up at the little monster "What are you doing with that, Poncho?"

Suddenly, Poncho gripped onto the oblivious Annie, and held a deadly dagger up to her throat "Everybody, get back!"

"Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?" Dr. Bloom shouted, hurt.

"That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population," Poncho replied with a sickening, greedy smile "I'll take the highest bidder... Al-qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on... by cartoons of Japanese teenagers. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday-bonus-giving mother-"

Morty had had enough. With a scream loud enough to shatter his ear drums, he leapt onto Poncho and beat him senseless. In other words, he repeatedly slammed his pathetic fist over and over again onto his helmet.

"Come on!" Poncho yelled, as he ran around in circles like an idiot. With an iron grip, he pried off the teen, sending him to slam into the ground. A loud shriek escaped Poncho as the monster dug his tiny fangs into Poncho's muscles.

"Aah!" Poncho cried "Get off!"

Ricky lunged at Poncho with a vengeance, causing him to stumble and crack the metal railing in two. A bloodthirsty scream escaped Poncho as he fell to his death, right into the wall of the large intestines.

Before anyone could scream a victory cry, the metal dam creaked violent, causing brown goo to ooze through the cracks.

"You guys! It's gonna burst!" Roger cried in absolute panic.

"Go!" Dr. Bloom yelled at the top of his lungs "Go, go, go!"

"My foot is stuck!" Roger screamed. He violent tugged at his foot, yet, it was firmly wedged between a small metal chunk and the computer. Nothing was getting him out of there.

"No!" Annie yelled, as Dr. Bloom dragged her behind the metal door. The dam only seemed creak more with every passing moment, ready to burst and spew feces everywhere.

"It's okay! It's okay. Just go..." Roger mumbled "Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find cause my wife... kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can-"

Suddenly, thick poo shot in, consuming the tiny human in human shit. His screams were muffled out as the thick, brown liquid shot in, like a burst dam.

"NO!"

* * *

 _"My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end of this journey...Whoopsie. I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during my time as a cafeteria man..."_

The broken anamatronic Reuben went on and on about his now dead life. Although the voice box filled everyone's ears, beyond was too busy or pairing for the end of their lives. Dr. Bloom simply shoveled in ice cream in his throat, throwing anything that remotely said diet right in the toilet. Morty and Annie went on, touching each other in places Morty thought he would never see. Ricky on the other hand, stated intensity at a photo of Summer he stole from Jerry or Beth's wallet. He couldn't tell, considering Jerry decided to take the more feminine route with his.

With a sigh, he leaned into his hand "So, this is how Rick and I die. Inside a Santa pedo. Well, there's no point now"

With that, he took off his belt, and zipped his pants down.

Ricky, you want to put it on mute or something?" Rick's voice decided to chime in "I'm-i'm trying to concentrate"

"We're gonna die, what's the point?" Ricky mumbled.

"Then in your-your last moments, could you not jack off to our granddaughter?"

"Eh" Ricky shrugged.

Rick gave up on him, and turned his attention to the other teen looking for something "Morty, can you get to the left nipple?"

"Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick" Morty said as he trailed his hands over Annie's body.

"No, Morty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple" Rick corrected.

Suddenly, Morty leapt up from the chair "We need to get to the left nipple!"

Ricky groaned "Oh come on, I just took off my pants!"

Suddenly, a giant quake rocked the threat remains, causing bits of flesh to rain down from the curling.

"The body is decaying," Dr. Bloom warned, as he stick his spoon into his melting ice cream "The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train," with a grin big enough to get his teeth knocked out, he turned to Annie "Would you like to ride the bone train, miss?"

"If it'll get us out of here" Annie said.

"How about you, Morty? Would you like to ride the bone train?" Dr. Bloom replied all gentleman-like.

"Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die!" Morty exclaimed "Let's go!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Rocky yelled, as he struggled to slip his pants back on. It seemed with each step, he crashed face first into the ground "Give me-give me five minutes. I don't have my concentration right now"

"Who cares! Go!" Morty shouted, as he ran out of the theatre. Ricky could only nod as he attempted to run and zip his pants right back up.

By the time he actually properly zipped his pants back up, the group finally made it down the little subway. Dr. Bloom scrambled to the control panel, and began to press buttons randomly.

"There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually" Dr. Bloom announced.

Everyone looked at each other with a dumb, oblivious look on their face.

"No, you're you're right. It was a dick move for me to even pause like that," Dr. Bloom sighed "This is all my fault. You go on"

"Wait..." Ricky carefully moved Dr. Bloom aside, and began to shift levers and press buttons, prompting a loud beep "Wait! There is autopilot! It's right there you fucking jello dude!"

"Oh thank god," Dr. Bloom released a sigh of relief, ignoring his words "I wasn't prepared to die"

Ricky lifted another lever, causing the bone train to beep and slowly move from the station.

"There, move it" Ricky yelled. In an instant, the group pulled into the slow moving train. Right as the door closed shut, loud squeals escaped the stairwell. Eyes widened as small, multiple legend monsters crawled down, and charged the train.

"What the hell is that?" Morty shouted, as he took a few steps back further in the train.

"E. Coli outbreak. Hurry!" Dr. Bloom cried.

Slowly but surely, the train began to move faster and faster away from the dangerous platform. Right as it sped through, a couple of the deadly bacteria hitched a ride, and crawled over the train. One hissed and began to tear the door open with its bare teeth, like a ravaged animal.

"They're they're chewing through the doors!" Annie shouted, ducking for cover. Morty yanked Dr. Bloom's bone-like cane right for his hand, and beat the bacteria senseless.

"My cane!" Dr. Bloom shouted, as Morty shattered the head of the bacteria. The monster suddenly lost its grip, causing it to fall right onto the tracks and splatter.

Ricky on the other hand, gripped onto the railing for dear life as the train shook and violently rocked back and forth. He carefully crawled to the other side of the train, dodging incoming bacteria. At the end of the train, he read a red, blinking map.

"We're in the areola, Rick, almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation!" Ricky shouted, as another squeal, escaped a dying monster Morty stabbed with a cane.

"I'm almost there!" Rick replied, in what seemed to be a more cracked voice.

As Morty stabbed the last of the bacteria with the cane, he simply chucked it outside the train, to Dr. Bloom's demise. Suddenly, as gasp escaped the blond churro worker that was Annie.

"Oh my God, the track!" Annie cried, as she pointed in front of the speeding train. Sure enough, the rest of the track was nothing more than twisted metal, surrounded by decaying flesh. She thought it couldn't get much worse. Then a familiar green monster popped up again.

"It's Hepatitis A!" Dr. Bloom squealed. On its name, the monster roared, and leapt towards the train. Before it could gets it deadly claws around the metal train, it leapt off the broken tracks, and shot through the decaying fresh of Reuben. Like a rocket, the train ripped through his flesh and burst through the open other side. Bits of flesh and juice spewed everywhere as the train skidded across the muscle, throwing the four right out of the train. They tumbled and skidded for a while, until they finally made it to their feet.

Annie widened her eyes in relief "The nipple hole. It's beautiful..."

"Oh thank god were going to live..." Ricky collapsed on his tired knees and breathed a sigh of relief. Until a familiar roar shook through their ears.

They hesitantly snapped their heads around, and saw what they feared most at this point. Hepatitis A.

"Oh, no!" Morty cried.

"Holy crap!" Annie shouted.

The monster growled deeply and crawled closer and closer to them. Right as it lifted its deadly hand, larger, sharper teeth sunk into its own flesh.

"Whoa!" Annie shouted in shock.

Sure enough, a larger, yellow monster entrapped the poor Hepatitis A within its teeth, carrying the monster like its prey.

"It's Hepatitis C!" Dr. Bloom squealed in excitement. The monster simply gave them a thumbs up, before it descended back into the nipple.

"Um...wait did we have some sort of relationship with him?" Morty asked anxiously

"I think they're just like that?" Annie replied doubtfully "I think they're just good guys"

"Oh"

"Actually, Hepatitis C is known to-"

Before Dr. Bloom could whip out his full knowledge, a buzzing filled his ears hole. Right as he was about to mumble a few swear words under his breath, he turned and nearly gasped. The ship slowly descended in the nipple, and landed feet from them. Satisfied, Rick shoved open the door, letting a few beer bottles rain in the hole

"Rick?" Dr. Bloom asked, not believing the sight.

"Dr. Bloom, get in" Rick commanded, as he took a swig of his flask.

"With pleasure!"

Ricky jumped in the back, as he always did, and glanced around their new surroundings. It seemed a bit too dark to be the garage, and a bit to start to be...earth.

"Uh Rick...where are we, exactly?" Ricky asked hesitantly.

"Space," Rick replied bluntly "We-We gotta go, before Reuben blows"

"Blows? Like, explo-"

Sure enough, as the escaped the nipple hole, the gigantic, dead pedophile that was Reuben exploded. Leaving chunks of his dead, cold flesh everywhere.

"Oh…"

As flesh and blood rains down in the continental United States, Rick slowly cut through Reuben's giant innards and finally made it back to the garage. Instead of snow on the lawn, thick, red blood covered it instead. Even the snowman looks more like shaved ice than...well, regular ice.

Dr. Bloom immediately leapt out of the ship once Rick landed, and breathed an utter sigh of relief.

"Oh, how good it feels to be normally sized once again!" Dr. Bloom exclaimed.

Ricky took a good second to glance at the jello-like wonder that was Dr. Bloom "What the hell happened to you?"

"Well," Rick burped "Anatomy Park is scattered all over America. There goes my investment"

"On the contrary," Dr. Bloom corrected "I believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. One that does not possess a 70 year old man with alcoholism, preferably"

Rick raised his brows in curiosity "What about...Pirates of The Pancreas?"

"Now Rick, you that was a mistake the first time you decided to comprehend such a disaster, I think-"

Rick shoved Dr. Bloom into the circular platform, and struck him down to size.

"Rick!" Morty exclaimed in shock.

Rick scoffed and stuffed the pink liquid that submerged Dr. Bloom in his coat pocket "His opinion was irreverent, Morty. He's a little shit like Rick version 2.0 over there"

"Well fuck you too!"

"But now-now Bloom is a tiny irreverent shit"

Annie slowly crept up to Rick with a smile "I think it was one of the most underrated attractions"

"Boo-yah!" Rick yelled out. He shoved the blond worker onto the platform, and pressed a button "Hold your breath"

"Hey, what the hell, Rick?!" Morty cried, as Rick shrunk her down inside the same pink tube Dr. Bloom was probably currently drowning in "What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick!"

"No, you didn't," Ricky corrected "You just feeled her out because it was almost the end for us"

Rick pat Morty's shoulder "You dodged a bullet, Morty, trust me. Puffy vagina"

"What's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me" Morty shrugged, causing Rick to roll his eyes.

"I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving" With that, Rick went inside the house, leaving his carnage of flesh and blood outside to simmer and probably rot within a day.

That put him in the Christmas spirit.

* * *

 **Hope enjoyed the little twist. I couldn't bring myself to kill Dr. Bloom, I really liked him. He's that kind of person who is kinda smart and kinda dumb, if you get what I'm going at. And I decided to make the exploding homeless Santa a pedo because...why not? He looked the part, and I wanted to do something different.**

 **Reviews are appreciated!**

 **\- X-Xepher-X**


	5. M Night Shaym-Aliens

It wasn't everyday Rick junior, or by his most known name Ricky, got a free day. A day not filled with a drunk Rick, deadly adventures, praying for death, saving Morty, and most importantly, not wishing for a freaking seed to be rammed up his ass again. Uneventful days to him were a God sent to him.

So, with nothing to do, he laid lazily on the couch, with the T.V remote in one hand, and a handful of random chips in the other. Sure, chip dust spread all over his mouth and jean jacket, but he couldn't have given two shits. Maybe not even one shit. In general, he didn't care at all.

An odd chuckle burped out of him as he flipped through the channels "So this is what cable television is. More than three channels. Huh. Nice"

As Ricky glanced from channel to channel and stuffed more potato chips in his mouth, he hardly noticed Morty. The teen simply walked on, and stared at Ricky, as though he was about to jump up or something.

"Hey Morty" Ricky mumbled through a mouthful of the salty goodness that filled his mouth.

"Have you seen grandpa Rick, Ricky?" Morty asked "I-I-I can't find him anywhere"

"Oh. I got him abducted by aliens"

"You what?!" Morty suddenly exclaimed "Ooohhhh!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Ricky flipped himself up on the couch and wiped his mouth "Calm your tits, Morty. He's fine"

"You got him abducted by aliens?! How-How-How is that fine?!"

Ricky groaned and rolled his eyes, causing him to sink into the couch "Why are you all concerned about the old bastard anyways?"

"Aren't you? Your him!" Morty pointed out.

"Not the point Morty, but good try. All I did was go through his little black book, ring up a few numbers on his inter dimensional phone, pissed them off, and waited for a couple of douchebags to come. And they came. I think they also got Jerry. They might have not. I-I forgot"

"But-but-but"

"But nothing," Ricky cut off "If I know Rick, which I do cause he's ME, he's fine. Have you known him to not get out of a tight spot?"

Morty paused and sighed "I guess you're right. Rick kind of just blows up anything in his way..."

"Exactly," Ricky mumbled through a mouthful of chips "He's probably blown those alien to chunks and bits already"

"Y-yeah..."

And so, the two awkwardly stared at each other, waiting for the other to speak up again, or waiting the other to leave. Unfortunately, they expected the same thing from each other, causing a certain stalemate of weird starting. Very weird starting. Just awkwardly looking at each other.

Awkward.

"Uh, so," Ricky cleared his throat and straighten up "Does, uh, does Rick do anything with you, besides almost killing you on batshit weird places?"

"What-what do you mean?" Morty asked, as though a completely foreign question was asked of him.

"You know...normal grandpa-grandson stuff. I don't know...fishing for hours at a lake or something?"

"Rick isn't that kind of guy, Ricky" Morty pointed out.

Ricky rolled his eyes and groaned "Jeez, I don't know, I'm old, alright! Ok, uh, how about bring you out for ice cream? I know the old fart can't get enough of that stuff!"

"He-he-he did one time"

"Oh...I guess that's good" Ricky shrugged.

"Except he left me in the car, and got himself a cone"

"Oh"

"Then he ate it in front of the window while starting at me"

"Oh..."

"Then someone broke into his car while I was in it and stole his portal gun"

"OH"

"But then Rick shot him"

"Oh!"

"Then got another cone without me..."

"Uh...oh..."

"Is-is that normal grandpa stuff?" Morty asked ever so obviously. Ricky couldn't help but narrow his eyes at the thought of Rick. He knew the kid needed someone better than an old, moody drunk with emotional constipation. Someone...like him.

"Alright Morty," Ricky peeled himself from the couch and tossed his bowl,of chips on the table "We're going out"

"For what?" Morty questioned "You-you don't have to pity me because of Rick. It's fine"

"That's why I'm doing this!" Ricky waved his hands in the air "If Rick isn't gonna do grandpa stuff, I'll be your grandpa. Because, technically I am"

"Uh Ricky? I don't think that's how it works..."

"Time travel logic can go take a hike and fuck off right now, because for the rest of the day, I'M grandpa Rick," Ricky pointed to himself "Come on, I know Rick where keeps a stash of money. Surprise, it's behind the medicine cabinet in Beth and Jerry's bedroom. Along with a fine bottle of Jack"

As Morty followed him, the teen anxiously twiddled his thumbs "Aw jeez, do-do I have to call you grandpa Rick?"

"If you want an ice cream cone, then yeah. It's gonna be great Morty! First I'll-I'll, uh, take you out fishing, then we're gonna-we're gonna go play some fucking bingo like old people do, then we'll go out for ice cream! And then…"

Ricky continued to ramble off randomly as he went up the stairs, even if Morty sort of blocked him out minutes ago. Even if he did know, he didn't care. He was going to spend time with his futuristic grandson that was only 4 years younger than him. So, happily rambling, Ricky snuck into Morty's parents bedroom and raided the medicine cabinet. When he came out, he slung a bag of cold, hard cash over his shoulder.

"Come on Morty, let's rooollllll!" Ricky exclaimed out, as he rushed down the stairs to the garage. Right as Ricky word through the entrance, Beth happened to walk through the door, leaving Morty to conjure up something for his 'cousins' behavior.

"Whoa, what's up with happy go lucky over there?" Beth asked as she tossed her purse on the counter.

"Uh…" Morty trailed off "He-he just likes ice cream a lot"

Beth, in a mixture of not caring and wanting to jump to conclusions, she shrugged "Morty, have you seen your grandpa?"

"Oh, he got abducted by aliens"

"Oh..."

"Yeah"

So, with nothing but silence to fill the void between then, Morty headed for the garage "I-I'm gonna be with Ricky"

Not waiting for an answer, he headed into the lab that was the Smith's garage. Right when he opened the door, he was Rick with a grin on face, strapped up inside the UFO that was the car.

"I-I hope you know how to drive this thing Ricky..." Morty said doubtfully, yet that didn't stop him from getting inside the car.

"Gee, thanks for having some confidence in me Morty..." Ricky mumbled, as he rammed the key into the ignition and started the car "And don't worry. I've used this thing more than Rick knows"

"Because he was blackout drunk?"

"Well...yeah," Ricky admitted, as he drove the car out of the garage "Now, let's goooo!"

With that last proclamation, he drove the giant hunk of metal into the air, beginning his day as grandpa Rick.

All that he needed was his flask.

* * *

"Ric-grandpa Rick, is this supposed to be fun in retrospect?"

"It's supposed to be fun in ALL spects, Morty"

"But-but-but...This is boring as hell"

The certain thing Morty complained about was none other than the sport of fishing, the first thing off of Ricky's bucket list. It was a little hard to find a lake that wasn't infested with sewage water and old political campaign posters, but Rick eventually flew over it and found it. Sure, he had to stop for directions and almost gave an old man a stroke by flying his UFO in front of his face, but he found the lake. He just hoped the man didn't heel over and have a stroke as he flew off.

Morty simply buried his hand into his head, as potential droll dripped from his mouth, waiting for something exciting to happen. Ricky on the other hand ever so casually knelt forward in hopes of actually catching a fish an hour in.

"That's because you haven't caught anything" Ricky pointed out.

"You-you haven't either!" Morty accused, as he pointed at him.

"Am I the one complaining here Morty?"

Morty sighed and rolled his eyes "Fine. You got me"

"It just takes patience Morty!" Ricky exclaimed "A fuck ton of patience, which from countless hours of observation, your generation doesn't have..."

"Wh-wh-what do you mean?"

Ricky scoffed "I mean you can't go 5 minutes without letting your slong-john control that little brain of yours"

"I-I-I do not!" Morty protested.

"It's obvious when your feeling all horny. Even Rick when he's shitfaced drunk can tell"

"I-I-I-" Morty attempted to protest, yet no words came from his mouth. He continued to stutter as Ricky reeled in his fishing line, ready for a big catch. When he reeled it up however, he frowned.

"Aw, come on, again?" Ricky groaned, as he saw his hook was yet again missing his bait. With a sigh, he grabbed a frozen chunk of fish, rammed it into the hook, and swing his rod backwards. With one, swooping yank, he swung the around him and nearly into the lake. Nearly.

Because the next thing he hard was a howling scream. A high picture, pathetic scream that could only come from Morty.

"R-r-ricky what did you do?!" Morty yelled out. Sure enough, Ricky's fish filled hook caught on something big. Right onto Morty's eye lid.

"Oh god that looks painful..." Rick cringed.

"That's because it is!" Morty exclaimed "Ow, ow, ow, get it off!"

"I-I didn't mean it!" Rick protested.

"Get-get this fucking thing out of my eye!" Morty snapped.

"Ok, ok, ok, I'm on it!" Ricky proclaimed, as he carefully ran his fingers across the hook and gently yanked it.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!"

"I know, I know, bear with me!"

"It-It hurts!"

"I know that! Stop twitching! Your making me nervous!"

"I-Ooowwww!"

"I almost got it..."

With a hard tug, a spurt of blood, and a high pitched scream from Morty, the hook ripped out of his eye lid. In an instant, Morty slapped his hand right over his bleeding eye lid, leaving Ricky to chuck the hook right to the ground.

"Look, look, it's, uh, it's all better!" Ricky said with utterly fake confidence. Morty, smelling bullshit from a mile away, narrowed his solitary eye and pointed to his hidden one.

"How is this better?" Morty snapped.

"Yeah, you're right, we-we need to patch the hell of of that thing up" He admitted. With a sigh, he slammed the car door open and rummaged through its contents. Empty beer bottles, cigarette butts, and a chunk of stuffing from the seat flew from the car, until he came up with the best thing he could use as a bandage.

Plumbers tape. Fucking plumbers tape.

Ricky raised his brow in confusion, but shook it off. This was Rick he was talking about. The man probably had a bomb under the city as a 'safety measure' against Jerry if he screwed up. Plumbers tape wasn't that big if a deal.

"I mean, it's water resistant..." Ricky mumbled semi-confidently under his breath as he swung it around his finger "It should be blood resistant too..."

So, without telling Morty what he was actually wrapping around his head, Ricky slapped on the white, plastic tape around Morty's eye, giving him a sort of cheap budget eye patch he would see in what Rick called a B movie. It was homemade and stupid.

"So, uh, how does that feel, Morty?" Ricky anxiously mumbled as he tucked the end of the bandage under the teen's hair. In an instant, Morty trailed his hands across his hidden eye.

"It's-it's a little hard to see," Morty nervously said "And 50% of my vision is red"

"...Alright, you're good to go Morty!" Ricky slapped Morty on the back, and began his trek back into the car "Now, let's play some fucking bingooo!"

Morty opened his mouth, but shut it immediately in defeat.

"Ok, let's play bingo..." Morty replied in an ever so flat, boring tone.

Ricky was excited in the least.

* * *

Ricky was not excited.

He had his hopes up of sneaking into a game at the local nursing home (Or like Rick said, the mass graveyard). He realized that it was only for old people 50 and over. Technically, he was 50 and over, as he tried to explain to the manager, but they didn't buy it. Hell, he wouldn't even believe a random 18 year old guy spewing out nonsense that he was 60-something.

So, with his dream squashed, he wandered the street with Morty, searching for an ice cream parlor. And maybe some ice for Morty's eye.

"Ric-grandpa Rick? I-I-I think I need new bandages" Motty anxiously asked.

"I think your-oh...Oh" Ricky was about to shrug his comment off, at least before he turned around. His unibrow raised in slight shock at the amount of blood that leaked out of the plumbers tape. Even Morty's once clean hand was covered in blood, like he decided to roll around in a crime scene.

He grabbed the tape out of his pocket without a single thought.

As he threw away the bloody tape in an alley and wrapped him up again like a mummy, Ricky couldn't help but hear footsteps approach him. Instead of passing by his ear however...the footsteps stayed in place. Right in place. Inches from him.

He snapped his back right up at the sound of chains clanking around. When he turned his head, he blinked in surprise. There, two relatively beefy guys who seemed to have ripped their sleeves right off their jackets stood. With a few teeth missing, a few scars, and metal tipped boots, it looked like they meant serious business.

Ricky flattened his eyelids "Uh, do you need something?"

"Yeah," the taller guy with a tattoo on his head spat.

The smaller guy, with a missing finger slowly brought out a knife "Your money!"

"R-Ricky...!" Morty cried, holding his head in panic.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, put that thing where it belongs it so help me!" Ricky threatened pathetically. He knew it was pathetically, because it seemed the two guy's smiles only grew deeper.

"Give us the cash and you won't have this," the missing finger guy pointed to the obviously blood stained a knife "Lodged in your fucking throat!"

Ricky stepped back slightly "Uh, uh, Uh"

"So, what it is kids?" The taller man asked. He attempted to chuckle, only to cough madly from his years of smoking.

"Uh, no" Ricky whipped out what seemed to be a small blue pistol, and shot it off. A stream of blue light escaped the barrel and melted into each of the robbers face. In an instant, the two collapsed onto the ground, moaning as the clutched their chests in utter pain.

"What did-what did you do?" Morty asked, as he moved a little further away from Ricky.

"I gave them a mild cardiac arrest," Ricky shrugged as he put the gun away "Come on, let's go"

"You gave them a heart attack?!" Morty exclaimed "You-you-you-you can't go around giving heart attacks to people!"

Ricky scoffed "Mild heart attacks. Their fine, just a little pain, see?"

He bent down to the immobile tattoo guy,as the one fingered man still clutched his chest and moaned, wishing for death. However, when his fingers trailed around his neck, he knew right then he was missing something vital. A pulse.

"Uh..." Ricky mumbled, as he checked the man's wrist. With no heartbeat there, he knew he was touching a dead man.

"See, he's fine!" Ricky lied ever so poorly, even Rick could smell it from outer space. Before Morty could respond. Ricky latched onto his arm and dragged him away from the current crime scene.

"Uh, Ric-" Morty said as he looked back to the guy wishing for death and his now dead friend.

"Do you want ice cream?" Ricky exclaimed family, interrupting Morty "Because I do!"

Then he heard a laugh. An awfully familiar laugh. A laugh that could only come from one, red haired individual.

"Ricky, wh-" Morty's eyes widened as a hand slapped over his mouth. In an instant, Ricky yanked him behind the dumpster, and peered from the side like a stalker. Ricky narrowed his eyes towards the ice team parlor, and scrunched up his nose in disgust.

Summer laughed along with her so called boyfriend Ethan as they exited the ice cream shop with a couple of cones to their names. He didn't like how Ethan wrapped his hand just over that fine ass of hers. Hell, he didn't even like him touching her.

"You son of a bitch..." Ricky mumbled as his eyes followed the couple.

"You're-you're staring at my sister again, aren't you?" Morty said"It's-it's gross!"

Ricky ignored him, as a certain idea popped in his head "Change of plans Morty"

"We're not gonna get ice cream?"

"Not yet..." Ricky's mouth grew into an ever so mischievous smile "Not just yet...We're gonna kidnap Ethan"

"What? Why?!" Morty cried.

"For, uh," he coughed "For her safety. Yeah. For your sister's safety. That dude is insane!"

"Gee, I don't know, he looks harmless Ri-"

"Psychotic! A wacko!" Ricky shouted back "They shouldn't even let the kid drive! Now, get some rope from the car. It's in the glovebox"

"In the glovebox?"

"Hey, I'm not the one who built the damn thing. Now, to, uh, to save Summer!"

* * *

It was much easier to kidnap a teen much easier than Ricky thought it would. He didn't know if that was good or bad.

It was easy enough. He dressed in a dark hoodie, hid in an alley, and offered drugs. And like any other stressed out normal teen in need of a good high, Ethan couldn't refuse. It seemed to work at first when he gave him a little baggy, but when Ethan finally sniffed into it, the jig was up. At least Ricky knew that oregano wasn't a good substitute for the sale of weed. So, instead of letting him run away, he...shot him with the heart attack gun and pulled a bag over his head. Sure, Ethan's moans got a bit loud at times, but with a good smack to the head, he went out like a light.

Ricky shoved him out of the car, causing the knocked out teen to slide onto the floor.

"Morty, close the garage" Ricky nearly commanded. Morty reluctantly nodded and flipped the lights off, causing the garage to go nearly dark.

"Ricky, are your-are you sure this is the best idea?" Morty asked "This is highly illegal"

Ricky scoffed doubtfully "It's all fine Morty! I never hear you complain when Rick does this kind of shit"

"I-I-I don't want another seed up my butt again"

"Oh," Ricky slowly blinked "Anyways, grab me a chair for this douche bag, I'll look for more rope"

Morty sighed, and dragged himself into the house. With a certain smirk on his face, Ricky rummaged through Rick's various tool boxes, in search of rope. Seconds later, he pulled out a hefty roll of rope, ready to be used and tighter against Ethan. He frowned once he heard a muffle from the trash bag that was Ethan,

"I know, I know, shut up" Ricky mumbled, as he pulled out his cardiac arrest gun once more. Right as he was about to pull the trigger, Morty strolled back, with a chair within his hands.

"Ricky!" Morty said in shock, letting the chair fall from his hands "You're gonna-you're gonna kill him at this rate!"

"He's fine," Ricky carelessly waved his hand in the air "He's just loud"

"But-but-but-"

"But what?"

"...your acting like Rick"

Ricky first scoffed at the stupid idea. Him, being that douchebag? That was almost laughable. Until he looked down at the bagged teen below his feet. Until he remembered having more value in ice cream that in a man. Until he realized he stabbed Morty with a fishhook.

He looked at himself in a random mirror hung up ever so perfectly in the garage. Ricky didn't see his present self staring back at him. He saw Rick.

"Oh hell no..." Was the only thing Ricky could muster up. Rick was inescapable because he was already the Rick he dreaded.

Well fuck.


	6. Meeseeks and Destroy

"Run! Morty, do it! Hit the button now!"

Rick seemed to yell that over and over again, commanding the teen like some kind of robot. Or clone. Or whatever could easily be controlled by the surprisingly sober scientist. It was almost the end of every adventure Rick, Morty, and Ricky ever had: Morty had to press some goddamn button to save all of humanity. In this case, he had to slam down that button to save his own ass. And Rick. And of course his younger self.

"I can't do it, Rick!" Morty cried "They're my parents and sister!"

His 'parents' and 'sister' hissed like deadly cats, as they scrapped and claws at their feet. Other than the growling snarls for flesh and blood, they looked like his family. Too much in fact Morty couldn't press that button inside some prison Rick dragged the two youngsters to.

"Oh fuck it Morty!" Ricky shouted, his hair crazed and ravaged "Rick already told you it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Hit the fucking button so I can live!

"H-how could you say that?!" Morty cried in shock "They're your family too!"

"Yes, no, maybe, I don't care!" Rick frantically snapped, as he slammed a metal pole into 'Jerry's' face "We can talk about the reality of our relation later, when, you know, when we live!"

"Do you need a mnemonic device or something?" Rick snapped "Just hit the button, already!"

Morty let his sweaty palm hover over the button, trying to even process his next move. A frightened groan echoed him as 'Beth' crawled up to his feet.

"Morty, please, I love you, sweetheart" 'Beth' sweetly said before she transformed back into the raging, 'oh shit what the hell is that' monster.

"Oh!" In an instant, Morty slammed his palm onto the button, saving his family. Or just the Rick and Ricky. It wasn't a great day for Morty at all. And it was barely breakfast.

It didn't take long for the relatively happy Rick, the utterly scared Morty, and the absolutely relieved Ricky made it back to home sweet home, or rather, back to the garage.

"Good work, Morty," Rick said as he stepped out of the portal "You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable"

"Oh sweet Jesus they didn't eat my feet..." Ricky burst out of the portal, landing right onto his knees. He waved his hands ever so helplessly into the air, before he clapped onto his own arms.

"Hey, work-in-progress, what did I tell you about-" Rick was about to pat Morty ever so grandfatherly like on the back, until he saw Morty clenching his face as he dry heaved onto the ground "You okay, Morty? I told you not to trust that tuna"

"Hey, it's not my fault Jerry left the damn tuna can in the car for five hours," Ricky defended "How was I supposed to know what a keyless car is?"

"You're information is irreverent as much as you are at this moment" Rick replied ever so bluntly.

"Ok then..."

"I just killed my family!" Morty exclaimed "I don't care what they were!"

Rick simply shrugged "I don't know, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough"

"You know what, Rick? That's it!" Morty waved his hands in the air, adding a dramatic effect to to his announcement "I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't be like that," Rick cautiously raised his hand in the air "The universe is a crazy, chaotic place"

"You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun"

"Kid's got a point there, Rick" Ricky shrugged as he crossed his arms "We've almost died on every adventure you drag us on"

All Rick could do was roll his eyes "Yeah, almost. Oh, yeah, Ricky, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that that that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But but, uh, how about next time..." He pointed to Morty "you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is?"

Morty widened his eyes in shock "Seriously, Rick? You'll you'll let me call the shots?"

"Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Morty. If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures," Rick pointed to his younger self "Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month"

"Wha-why me?!" Ricky cried.

"I hear two months" Rick said.

"I didn't do-"

"That's three. How about you shut up like you should have?"

"...Good idea"

"Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good..." Morty paused in thought "I get to be in charge of every third adventure!"

"Every 10th" Rick replied.

"Every 7th" Ricky butted in with a smirk that just asked him to get punched in the face.

"Deal!" Morty cut in before Rick could mutter a word.

"Goddamn it-" Rick hissed, before he sighed in defeat "Fine. Deal. All right. Well, come on, let's get going"

Right as he pulled his portal gun from his lab coat, the garage door flew wide open. In seconds, Beth burst through and ran up to her father.

"Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again" Beth complained.

"Washing dishes?" Rick raised his brow

"No. The opposite. Can you fix it?"

Before he could groan and drag himself to the dishwasher, Summer came running in right behind.

"Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework?" Summer groaned as her eyes were firmly glued on her phone.

"Yeah just don't do it"

"Grandpa!" Summer exclaimed. Then of course Ricky came sliding in ever so smoothly, like an old man flirting with a young woman out of his league. Basically not Rick-like.

"Hey, if you need some help there, I could, uh, show you some stuff" Ricky quietly said, raising his brow.

And of course Jerry came rolling in "Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?"

"Dammit..." Ricky muttered, his moment ruined. Or, at least that was the way he saw it.

"Wow. Hat trick," Rick rolled his eyes as he took a swig from his flask "All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family"

"Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say," Morty mocked, before he crept closer to his sober grandpa "Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk"

"Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on," Rick warned, sending a glare to Morty "I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart," he groaned, realizing he still had work to do. With a lazy swing of his arms, he shuffled through his shelf and pulled out a small blue and green box "As for you dingdongs...This is a Meeseeks box. Let me show you how it works. You press this"

Suddenly, a tall, blue creature popped out of nowhere, and spouted out nonsense

"I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!" It exclaimed.

"You make a request," He pointed at his failure of a son in law "Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar"

"Yes, siree!" The Meeseeks joyful punched his arm through the air and snatched the jar out of Jerry's hand. In seconds, it opened the jar like it was nothing.

"The Meeseeks fulfills the request"

"All done! Wow!"

"And then it stops existing" Rick said. In a flash, the once bright and joyful creature tuned into nothing but a cloud of smoke.

"Oh, my God, he exploded!" Summer exclaimed in shock.

"Trust me, they're fine with it," Rick simply shrugged "Knock yourselves out just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!" Rick pointed at the door "Get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! Ricky, get my portal gun"

"Won't this be fun..." Ricky groaned and rolled his eyes like any other teenager would before he actually went for his portal gun. Except for the fact he wasn't just any normal teenager.

How he would give his balls to be back home.

* * *

It wasn't long before Rick whipped Ricky and Morty into a new dimension for a good, clean adventure. Although Rick was going to basically pick a random dimension from his lab coat, Morty protested. So, with a groan, a few swear words, and very long swigs from his flask, he found a dimension to Morty's liking. And only Morty' s liking.

Sure, the air was nice and clean, the trees swayed cleanly through the air, and the path was cut perfectly through a patch of grass, but Rick could only ol his eyes at the entire situation.

"God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure," Rick groaned, swinging his head back "Why didn't we just go to Kentucky?"

"Is this Wizard of Oz or something?" Ricky asked, raising his brow in serious thought.

"Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things. We're going on a quest, okay?" Morty replied

"Can't wait..."

A few minutes later, the three finally strolled up into a little, cute village that looked like it was was ripped out of any children's story book. With dirt floors, small, wood buildings and a well, it was ripe for disease and possibly witch trials. Judging from the random, charred stick that happened to sit on a stage near the well, it certainly wasn't the annual hog roast. If they had pigs in this dimension, Ricky thought.

"Ahem. Excuse me!" Morty cleared his throat, and began to frantically wave his hand in the air "We are three humble heroes in search of adventure!"

"Oh, my God, so embarrassing..." Rick mumbled, cupping his head in utter shame.

In an instant, a villager rushed up to them "At last! Three heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!"

"You know what? I accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir! Come on, Ricky, Rick, There's a giant in the clouds!" Morty exclaimed, bursting with excitement for his new adventure.

"Yeah. Beginner's luck" Rick scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, you were the one who wanted to go through with this," Ricky pointed out "Would it kill you to have a little enthusiasm?"

"Yes" Rick replied.

Ricky opened his mouth to argue, but by the time he actually thought of a comeback, Rick simply strolled off from the group and began to head to the green, tall beanstalk that lead into the puffy clouds. He sighed in defeat,mane followed the emotionally constipated old fart like he always did. Luckily for Rick Jr, it didn't take too long to scale up the giant, deadly bean stalk that reached high into the air. Sure, he nearly slipped and fell all the way to his death a few times, but he held on tight until they reached to the mysterious, giant house where the so called treasures were held. So, on a giant counter in the middle of the godforsaken dimension, the three sat, waiting for their next move.

Rick leaned up against a giant cookie jar and crossed his arms "All right, Morty. We're in your stupid giant's castle. What do we do next?"

"Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple" Morty replied, furrowing his brows in frustration.

"I gotta admit, this adventure is everything's going so smoothly and...adventurously" Ricky shrugged.

Right when those words left his mouth, a sudden, sharp rumble filled the room. The three whipped their heads and saw a tall giant stumbling into the room. Although he didn't seem to notice the tiny people just standing in his giant room, Morty knew it wouldn't be long until they became nothing more than squished little ants. At best case senario.

"Uh-oh, Morty. Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss?" Rick asked.

"Come on, hurry," Morty frantically waved his hand "behind this cookie jar"

"Oh yeah, a glass jar..." Ricky rolls his eyes "He'll never see us coming..."

"Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!" The giant exclaimed with a booming voice, as he entered the room.

"Just give up, Morty. This is game over," Rick leaned up closer against the glass jar, and pulled out his portal gun "I'll take us home right now. You just say the word"

"No way, Rick. This is all part of it," Morty snapped back "Adventures have conflict. Deal with it"

"This isn't conflict, this is a mass-" Ricky was about to yell at the top of his lungs, ready to throw his and Rick's life away in the hands of a giant. At least until he heard a skull shattering crack.

"I smell the blood of-" the giant suddenly darted up the room, only to slip "whoop!"

The giant slipped and fell face first into his floor, causing his skull to shatter like glass. It didn't take a rocket scientist, or Rick, to know that the giant was long gone. With the mess of blood that surrounded his head and his twitching body parts, it was clear he was dead.

"Holy crap" Morty exclaimed in shock, as he slowly drew away from the cookie jar.

"Well shit..." Ricky mumbled, reluctantly drawing his eyes across the body.

"Oh, boy. He looks pretty bad down there," Rick pointed out ever so obviously "Looks like he's bleeding out"

"Oh, Jesus! Dale!" A voice screamed. Suddenly, a giant woman came rushing in, with an equally large baby crying in her arms. Her face was horror stricken at the sight of the dead man, causing her face to go a pale white. When her eyes drew to the counter however, her expression turned to rage.

"You sons of bitches!" She snarled in anger. Before the three could run off, she snatched the cookie jar and slammed it right over their heads, trapping them.

"Oh, man..." Morty mumbled. He slammed his fist onto the glass a few times, only causing it to slightly shake.

The giant woman immediately grabbed a phone and frantically called the authorities "Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying!"

* * *

It was all utterly useless to the slightly young copy of Rick, or know formally as Ricky. He knew death was going to come swiftly down onto him as fast as Rick dragged him out of his timeline. Which was quick, to say in the least. Even if it was the night of his prom.

With Diane.

So, reconsidering his future life choices to avoid becoming the giant dick of a man who sat next to him, he glanced up at the giant judge hopelessly. Cuffed up, dressed in a tiny prison suit that was knitted for him, and sitting on a giant book that could very well crush him at any second, he knew there was no way out of this particular fuckfest.

"Order in the court!" The judge rapped his giant mallet against the giant desk "Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both very guilty"

"Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick, Ricky and Morty go to giant prison," Rick rolled his eyes "You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that"

"Or we'll drown in water or their dicks...either way we'll be dead" Ricky added on,

"We're gonna be okay, Rick, Ricky" Morty assured.

"How?" Ricky snapped back.

"They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Morty," Rick added on in frustration "You know, what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then-"

Suddenly, a giant dressed man burst through the court room door, holding a stack of equally giant papers.

"Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties!" The giant random man exclaimed "Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home"

The judge furrowed his brows in utter confusion "W-what the hell is he talking about?"

"They're free to go, is what I meant," the giant man sighed "I'm deconstructing our our our thing we say. We're giants. Nobody got that? Whatever"

"Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it!, Morty cried in relief.

It wasn't long before the three were finally released from the giant prison, not that it would have taken much to really escape. The jail cells are made for giants, not people about a 100th of their size. So, without anywhere lose to go, the three simply stood at the court steps. The very large court steps.

"All right, Morty, looks like the portal gun's still working," Rick pulled out said gun from his pocket "You ready to head home?"

"Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick?" Morty rolled his eyes "Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, we're gonna go find some treasure or something and and we're gonna bring it to those villagers"

"Morty, cut your losses. This is obviously awash" Rick pointed out.

"Eh, I'll give it another go," Ricky shrugged "It's not like I got anything else to do today other than to help this old fart.

"See, Ricky's got it!" Morty exclaimed, pointing to Rick Jr. "Yeah, you were saying that back when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps"

"Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure," Rick sarcastically replied "What do you say, Morty?"

"I say give me a hand, sidekick"

"Yeah, Morty, this is the part of the story everybody loves scaling down 650,000 oversized steps" Rick pointed out. Sure enough, when the three looked over the first step, an endless sea of massive steps before their eyes. Ricky sighed and groan as loud as any teenage boy would when they we forced to do anything.

The first few steps were alright to Ricky, but after that, it became only a pain in the ass. And in the shins. And in the legs. Everywhere basically.

So, what seemed like the 1,000th step in, Ricky nearly fell on his face as he collapsed on the ground, coated in sweat and tears. It felt like his legs were being ripped apart, his head mushed into soup. He didn't remember if he threw up or not. Everything got fuzzy at step 579.

"All right, okay, you know, if this was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid" Rick muttered as he stepped off the giant step.

"Oh please kill me I wanna die..." Rick managed to muster up through his heavy breathing and sweat.

"Lay off your fine" Rick rolled his eyes. Ricky could only croak in response.

"Hey, Rick, what do you know? Look down there," Morty pointed to a small, brightly lit door that sunk into the step below "Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side of the step"

Ricky groaned. He groaned all the way down the step until he finally collapsed on the odd, old style tavern. It looked like any old tavern he saw before; a long bar, a dart board, a pool table, and of course a vanity of drinks. The only thing different was the people. Or rather, the creatures.

"Oh, wow, Rick. Now, this is more like it," Morty smiled as he glanced around the bar "Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. All kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? It's whimsical and fun"

Right as the three sat at a table, a stair-shaped person began to eye Rick. Very closely. Ever so closely. It was awkward.

Rick narrowed his eyes "What are you looking at, mother-"

"Easy, Rick," Morty held up his hand, causing the stair person to walk away. Seconds later, a woman looking creature with a reasonably sized rack came strolling along with a notebook.

"Pay them no mind. Those stair goblins can be moody" the woman creature waved her hand "Now, what can I getcha? We've got skarlog poppies, flurlow, halzingers, bloogies, juicy time babies"

"Anything that's close to water...or lungs..." Ricky croaked out. Seconds later, his head rammed into the table.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, how about some scotch whiskey?" Rick swiftly cut off "You got any of that around here? Or just a bunch of nonsense words?"

"Rick..." Morty weakly hissed in disappointment "We'll have three bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way three heroes could get down these stairs?"

"Y'all need to ride down the stairs?" All eyes drew to a slimy creature that sat right in back of the said heroes "My name is slippely-slippery stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels"

"25 shmeckels?" Rick raised his brow "I don't know how much I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?"

"That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies" the woman creature said, shaking her said boobs a few times.

Suddenly, creepy, long legged creature rolled up to the table "Hi, I'm Mr. booby buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels"

"It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline" the woman creature replied.

"Rats! What a shame"

As the creature crawled back into the wall, Rick groaned and sent his eyes twirls Morty "Morty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. Ricky?"

"Uh...yeah...sure" Ricky replied in dazed confusion.

"You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why?" Morty snapped.

"Uh, because it's lame?"

"It's because you're petty! You know, how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you?" Morty released a deep sigh, and stood up from his booth "Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here!"

"Whatever" Rick rolled his eyes as Morty shuffled off into the bathroom.

It didn't take long for Ricky to recover from his looming sickness and death. Even if he did faint a few times into his drink and onto the table, by the time he woke up for the 3rd time, he saw Rick playing what seemed to be like poker. So, with nothing else to do, he sighed and dragged himself out of the sticky mess that was a bloogie.

"Come on, Rick, quit stalling" the tall creature said "What do ya got?"

With a wide, loose grin, he spread his cards across the table "Read 'em and weep, fellas!"

"Oh, yeah...cards" Ricky mumbled, yawning from his multiple 'naps'.

Seconds later, Morty slowly shuffled out from the bathroom. Instead of the confident, proud demeanor he had, a shaken look was crossed all over his face. Ricky couldn't help but raise his brow towards the shaky Morty. Any idiot would have known something happened to him.

Rick dragged his chips towards his body "Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. I'm havin' a good time, Morty. It's not so bad"

"Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it," Morty said in a shaky voice "The adventure's over"

"Hey kid are you-"

"We can't leave now, Morty. I'm on fire!" Rick exclaimed.

"Look, I want to leave now," Morty snapped "You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, I just want to go home"

Right as those words left his mouth, Rick couldn't help but notice a grey, jellybean like man who left the men's bathroom, frazzled with quite a few bruises on his head. He quickly glanced at Ricky, who only nodded.

"Okay. Listen, Morty. I just won a bunch of shmeckels," Rick explained "Why don't we use 25 of them to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest of the shmeckels to the villagers, huh?"

"Really?" Morty's face lit up.

"Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending"

And so the three headed down and completed their so called good ending. With a good handful of Shmeckels in hand, the three headed down the not so endless stairs and left the village with money to their wildest desires.

"Thank you, kind sir. Our village is saved!" The villager exclaimed "You are both true heroes!"

"Good job, Morty," Rick complimented

Yeah, it's looks like you won the bet" Ricky smirked.

"Thanks, Rick, Ricky, but I don't know if I should," Morty said doubtfully "You know, you were right about the universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place"

"Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know," Rick shrugged "This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Morty style"

"Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved king so that he may thank you personally"

All their faces dropped once they saw the so called King. Up on a pedestal, high above the villagers, wearing a crown, the king sat. The grey colored King. The jellybean. With bruises.

"Uh, no, I-it's cool," Morty mumbled frantically "Rick. Portal. Hurry"

In a snap, Rick opened up the portal and hopped in. Before the portal disappeared however, he left one little present behind. A lazer straight into the pedo-jelly beans head.

It was an alright day for Rick.

* * *

 **Thank you Domea and Kiraaaaa for your reviews!**

 **Sorry about the lack of updates. From a mixture of being busy with school, writing and planning out some original books, and lack of inspiration, I couldn't really bring myself to write. In spite of all of this, I still got this chapter out!**

 **Anyhow...I'm going to take an indefinite hiatus on this story right now. Don't worry, I haven't made the decision to delete it, I still want the option to write this. However this fic was always a side project to me. It was just something to write when I didn't want to write anything else and I wanted to make myself chuckle here and there. It wasn't very serious to me (Rick and Morty isn't all too serious in the first place so...). So, I'm going to mark this story as complete and write whenever I can and when I want. Please, bear with me!**

 **I hope you enjoyed! Reviews are always appreciated!**

 **\- X-Xepher-X**


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